The VICE Guide to Mixing Business with Pleasure While in Austin

1. Allow one day for actual business and three to five for leisurizing.

2. Immediately locate a good drop-off spot for bags. It’s hard to gauge when you might actually check into your hotel. Most upscale Austin places have a coat check. Why not substitute your bag for a coat? Few people have been known to steal luggage, so don’t worry. Plus, chicks get suspicious of people carrying bags. Even leave your paperwork behind, thus freeing your hands to do more important work, like gesturing. 3. Never give hotels your credit card number for reservations. Check into quaint B and Bs or guest houses that are behind the curve on late-check-in/no-show policies. When late, make exaggerated excuses as to why you were late (e.g., family problems, drug overdose, plane delay). They will understand if you explain in a duressed tone. 4. You will need to neatly time your hangovers so as not to interfere with the deal-making. Never party with clients or customers. They will become suspicious that you’re trying to gain an angle on them, or that you’re just a party clown. Tell them, “No, I never touch a drop.” 5. Always, always go straight to the liquor store first and buy several bottles of booze for your suitcase or room. Large cities gouge you on drinks all the time, and be wary of hip daytime bars that try to pawn off fried tortillas as exotic appetizers. A nice bottle of Tito’s and some mixers in your room, when you finally check in, is heaven. If your local Paki is out of mixers, try some exotic fruit nectars. They bode nicely for your drink and give you the vitamin C the body needs for this type of work. Remember, you are an on-the-go tourist/businessman. 6. Never be impressed or fooled by fancy accents from front-desk clerks, porters, bellhops, taxi people, etc. Give them normal tips and don’t feel sorry that they are struggling immigrants who deserve more attention or money. Don’t fall prey to sympathy. It will drain your wallet quickly, and you will be short on funds before your departure. Always keep 30 bucks hidden in your sport shoes for a quick cab back to the airport. 7. Avoid local phrases or colloquial terms at business meetings. Don’t act campy or Southern just because you’re in Austin; your prospect might think you are undereducated or a hillbilly queen. 8. Pay the $200 airline rescheduling fee always. Many a good intention to leave on time has been spoiled by overboard binging or premature celebrations. A deal is a deal only when you have their souls firmly in the palm of your hand. 9. Dress for meetings like you just hopped off your yacht or arrived from your winter cabin. Don’t even shave the day of the meeting, make them think you are doing great and aren’t desperate for their business. Never ask them about their wife or kids. Too much info to remember. You will be fumbling over that for years! 10. Number one rule: 80 percent of business is personality. They will remember you if you turn on some dazzle. Most sales types are stiff and boring and very forgettable. So keep your chin up, and once you’ve seductively lured them into your world of intrigue, you may safely mix the business with the pleasure as you desire.