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Yeah Baby

Baby Swammin’

Babies spend nine months floating around in amniotic fluid, so their swim game is, as the French say, on fleek.
The author and his baby

Babies spend nine months floating around in amniotic fluid, so their swim game is, as the French say, on fleek. You ever look up swimming babies on YouTube? Those lil fuckers can't be older than six months, straight up swimming underwater with their eyes open like full-grown adults.

If you can, do a water birth, that's the real deal. Get that thing holding its breath and splashing around right off the bat. Water births are nice for the baby because the warm water will remind it of its old crib and ease the shock of existence. The baby will come out fully hydrated. Need to hydrate to live. Sweet hydrogen. That hydro. Remember that Bone Thugz song where they were like "blowin that hydrooo"? Sweet tune.

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But back to what I was saying earlier: babies are beasts, dog. There's nothing they can't do. You seen that baby playing Guitar Hero? Oh wait just looked that up and it's obviously just a commercial, never mind. I must have been super high to think that was real last time I watched it. But still, babies are wild capable creatures.

No matter what, babies are about to be hella better than you at everything. If you suck at swimming the baby's gonna be at least OK at swimming. If you're hella wavy at swimming the baby's finna be Michael Phelps. If you're Michael Phelps your baby's finna be a literal actual dolphin.

Dog, get the baby in the water, I'm telling you. Dunk the baby. Don't be scared, it won't drown. It knows how to hold its breath and close its eyes on instinct. I fuckin' kid you not. It's a trip. It might be a little surprised and maybe even cry, but keep the energy positive and light and it will be too distracted by how ill the water is to freak out. Move the baby around and watch the baby kick its tiny legs. The baby will thank you for it. Gets all the muscles moving. The baby will look and feel better after a couple laps at the natatorium. Plus swimming tires babies out. Lil fucker will be out like a lamp.

Take the baby to the beach let it play in the ocean, mane. That's Yemaya, old school Yoruban type name for the spiritual ocean lady who be running shit. She's the Star of the Sea, the Mother of Pearl. She's good for weddings, funerals, births, and other general rites of passage. You need to get the baby familiar with her cause she's a mother figure and she's about the waters, which are essential to life. You need to get your baby up on the various lessons and concepts and really get it familiar with water, which contains the essence of life. Why you think fools baptize babies? Water is wild spiritual, son.

Bathe the baby, bruh. Baths are essential, plus they're relaxing as fuck. Throw a little sea salt and eucalyptus oil in the bath, spruce that bitch up. These are cleansing thangs. Burn a white candle and a blue candle for Yemaya. Burn some palo santo and maybe some sandalwood mane clear the air. Give the baby a bubble bath. Let the baby play with a little rubber duck. The rubber duckie is the one, man. Having trouble getting the baby to sleep? A little bath before bed gets it super blissed out. Sleep is a big one. I'll tackle that one in the next column but this week's topic is water: swammin', bathing, the earth's natural waters, Yemaya, etc. If you're still unclear reread what I just wrote, I dropped some serious gems in this one.

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