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Meet the Nieratkos

Battle of the Butthole Tattoos

By Chris Nieratko

A few weeks ago, I interviewed Zarrah, a Burning Angel actress, about her butthole tattoo. Little did I know that such a silly topic would spark such anger from other butthole-tattoo owners. But sure enough Lyla Louise Moretti,the drunk girl we showed getting her butthole tattooed at a tattoo convention, took exception to my giving Zarrah’s butthole any press and commented, “I love how I get drunk to cover up my exs name makes me a trashy shut butt this wanna be butt hole is just a crack washed up porn hog...this is more entertaining then the crap I've seen about me what a fucking joke.” [sic]

I felt awful that I slighted Lyla’s butthole. It was my duty as someone who sometimes pretends to be a journalist to stick my tape recorder by her butthole and see what it had to say. I assure you that the beautiful, ludicrous music it made was quite unexpected. It’s as if God speaks through her.

See more of Lyla and her butthole here.

VICE: Tell me all about your butthole tattoo, Lyla.
Lyla:
When I was 19 years old, that’s when it started. I became curious about anal sex because I was sexually neglected and dating someone who had a pill problem. Instead of going out and finding someone else, I would watch porn at home and the only thing that really got me excited, was anal porn. I liked seeing the girls in pain. I’m a pain freak. I have a very high tolerance for pain. The other night when my boyfriend and I were watching porn, I came up with the idea to show them how you really do it. What they consider anal sex, I see as just the head poking at the hole. It’s like, “No, dude! You have to put it all the way in.” We’re gonna make some videos and show the world how it’s really done. It has to be brutal. If it’s not, and they’re enjoying it, then what’s the difference between the pink and the stink?

So you’re pursuing a career in porn?
Not a career because the girls in porn have sex with a bunch of random guys, and I don’t want to do that. The only reason I’m doing it is because my boyfriend is down to do it.

Is he making you do butt porn?
No, it’s my idea. Just like tattooing my butt with my ex’s name was my idea.

OK, so let’s get to the butthole tattoo. How do you end up with a butthole tattoo from watching anal porn?
I was dating that one guy, and when I came home one day, he was nodding out, burning cigarettes on the couch. I went to my next door neighbor and asked if he would help me move some furniture. He did, and we eventually started dating. When I explained to him what I’d been up to, he decided to help me explore a little deeper into my butt. One day I said, “You know what would be really cool? If we branded the hole. Because you are the only person who ever did it, and you’re the only person who is going to do it.” That was back when I thought we were going to be together forever. I told him to write his name and "999," since we met on September 9th, 2009, so upside down, it looks like it says "666." Then we went to the tattoo shop on Valentine’s Day. My boyfriend held the cheeks open. It hurt really bad, and at the most painful parts, I would choke myself and hold my breath to numb the pain. After that boyfriend and I split up, I was dating another guy, and I was going to do his name, but that never happened. When we broke up, a guy named Jason came along, and I tattooed "ROCKWOOD," his name, on my butthole to cover up the other name.  Then I got his name on my lower back.

Why do you have to get everybody’s name tattooed on you?
I don’t know. My boyfriend I’m dating now just tattooed his name on me. I have this thing with names. I feel like if you tattoo their name on you, it shows that you truly do love them, and you want to be with them forever. I guess I didn’t learn from it because I just recently put Jordan’s name on me.

Can I get you to tattoo my name on you?
No… where would I put your name? I’m running out of room now.

I don’t know. Somewhere mellow… like your vagina.
I don’t think Jordan would be too thrilled about that.

Maybe you could get "CHRIST" instead.
I was thinking about that, but it would be messed up because I tattooed two roses with vines and thorns shaped like a horseshoe on my butthole to cover up those other two names. That’s not what I wanted, but that’s what the artist at the tattoo expo drew up. I told him that’s not what I wanted, but said, “I don’t care. I’m not going to make your life difficult. You’re already doing it for free.“

You committed to a butthole tattoo that you didn’t even want?!?
It’s not the one I wanted, but it was pretty… it was nice enough. But he just did it in black. Then I flew up to Cowhead radio station in Tampa, and they had a tattoo artist from Design For Life there. I thought that was such an awesome name because they were designing art on my body for life. They colored in the tattoo for me. They did the roses red, the leaves green, and I asked them to highlight it with yellow to be funny—it’s like the sun shines out of my butthole. Now I call it the crown of thorns.

So you got your butthole tattooed for Jesus?
Well, I call it the crown of thorns, and I tell people, “He was king, and I am king shit, so I sit on it.” You only live once. You have to have fun with it. Life’s a big party.  

You put a comment on my other butthole-tattoo interview. You seemed very unhappy.
Because they said she was the butthole-tattoo girl, and that’s not a butthole tattoo, that’s a buttcrack tattoo. It’s not even touching her butthole. Mine is touching it. If you make a fist and you see the krinkly lines, I have ink on those krinkly lines on my butthole, and it hurt.

When you start doing porn, do you think you two might team up?
She’s already doing porn, so I doubt it because I don’t know where she’s been or how many people she’s been with. I don’t live that lifestyle. I’m always in long, committed relationships with my boyfriends.

She’s done double anal. What have you got?
I won’t put another dude in it. I will tell my boyfriend to shove two of my toys in at the same time as him, though.

The triple lindy?
Yeah. As many as I can fit. We were experimenting the other night, and I covered his penis with honey and put Nerds all over it. It was fun.

After it came out of your butthole?
No. I never do ATM. That’s gross.

ATM with honey and Nerds sounds delicious, doesn’t it?
Well, yeah, but my butthole is going to be sticky, and I’m going to have Nerds mixed in with my poo.

You have to administer the honey and Nerds after you remove it from your butthole, Lyla.
That might not be a bad idea because I told him before we got into it, “I don’t know what it is, but you will never have shit dick.” It’s always crystal clear.

Without an enema?
There’s not one spec of brown on him after—no enema.

Maybe your butthole is a modern miracle.
I have a glorious hole!

You told me you were in jail for a while; what did the ladies in jail think of your butthole tattoo?
They all loved me. The whole jail loved me, even the deputies. They didn’t believe that I was famous and said, “You’re not a celebrity. You’re not famous.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I am. Google butthole tattoo, you’ll see!” Then they believed me and started loving me. I was in there for three months, and they treated me like royalty.

Well, of course. You’re a celebrity. You’re going on Howard Stern soon, this VICE interview… are you going to be able to handle all this fame?
The fame… I’m just going to show them—this is me. Love me as I am, or fuck off. My whole life I said I was going to be famous. But I don’t want to be rich. If I had $5 million, I wouldn’t get a big mansion on the beach. No, the kids around me who don’t have clothes and nice shoes for school and toys around Christmas and food, I’d give it to them. Children with cancer, I’ll pay for the research. I don’t want to see people suffering while I’m living it up. That ain’t right. I’m trying to make the world a better place. I just want to help.

You really are the modern day Mother Theresa.
It’s funny you say that, my rosary says, "Mother Theresa Pray For Us."

Maybe you should be the new pope.
That would be awesome. Do they allow female popes? And does that mean no more having sex?

Listen, if it’s up to me, I don’t care.

 

Previously - The World's Biggest Beatle's Fan

Follow Lyla on Facebook

Beautifuldisasters.com

bhgirltattoo.com/

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com or @Nieratko

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