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      Berlin - You Can't Drink Happiness, So Stick It Up Your Ass!

      September 23, 2009

      By VICE Staff

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      It was by chance that we stumbled across a rumor of Colombian kids following a silly new trend. When they’re not in school they’re shoving vodka-drenched tampons up their buttholes. We have no idea how they came up with this horrific plan in the first place or why anyone should ever want to do this, but the teenagers in Colombia insist on its effectiveness. The alcohol shoots straight into your bloodstream and gives you an instant high, and supposedly this method protects you from smelling like a drunk. Here is Berlin intern Kolja and he shoved this rumor. Up his ass.

      To get the full experience you need the following items:

      -Some kind of lube 

      -Vodka

      -A tampon
      -An anus

      1

      Arranging the essential items in a pretty way is definitely a good start.

      2

      Kolja started out farting for like half an hour because he was afraid he’d end up shitting his pants. Then we aired the room and pampered his butt with Nivea. We decided to use an OB mini tampon, which gracefully absorbed the vodka.

      3

      Kolja described the sensation of insertion as being similar to “pushing a globefish up his rectum.” We have no idea how he came up with this comparison.

      4

      During this critical point of full insertion Kolja really had to hold his act together so he wouldn’t start shitting like a machine gun. He also informed us that the “blowfish starts to feel kinda tingly.”

      5

      Obviously Kolja’s butthole must have been very, very thirsty because when we asked him to walk a straight line after ten minutes of ass-orption he miserably failed, swaying around like a 13-year old girl after her first beer. That was the moment when Kolja thought about how amazing it would have been to grow up in Colombia. A little bit later he added that his asshole was “damn tight.”

      6

      We asked Kolja to count backward from 20, but when he reached “37” we aborted the test. A couple minutes after that he thought he really had to puke, but then he just started shitting his life out of his intestines. Including the tampon.

      7

      That picture itself wouldn’t be too bad if we weren’t aware of the fact that these middle fingers he’s sticking into our faces there had just finished shelling that tampon out of his hairy anus only seconds before we took this document of humiliation.

      At least now we know that these Colombian kids are actually pretty smart little tots who know how to achieve a maximum high with a minimal MacGyver-esque use of material.

      Oh yeah, by the way, doctors highly disapprove of this practice. We do, too. Everybody with a brain does. Don’t do it. It’s not going to get you anywhere, not going to get you laid, and not going make you any smarter. Also, it’s disgusting. SO JUST FUCKING DON’T DO IT!

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