Bienvenidos a Tijuana!

We have a saying here, south of the border, that we like to recite while looking toward the sky, with a dramatic voice straight out of a telenovela: Oh, Mexico, so far from God and so close to the United States.

Photo: Alfonso Lorenzana Navarro

This is probably truer in Tijuana than anywhere else in the country. It's crazy how much of Tijuana's identity and way of being stem from its existence as an alter ego to nearby American cities. Everything that is considered dangerous or overlegislated in the US has a place in "Tijuas," as the locals lovingly call it. It could easily be named one of the ugliest tourist cities in the world, but it grows on you for one simple reason: Tijuana is an escape from the rigid constraints on the other side of the border. It is as far away from the sterilized feel of the American mall as can be; it feels alive and real in all its seductive unbeauty. The numbers don't lie: Tijuana is the busiest land-border crossing in the world. Over 40 million people come across each year, and about 300,000 of those come by foot or car from the San Ysidro point of entry in the United States every day. They love it. We love it too.

For this guide we asked three people to give away their dirty li'l Tijuana secrets and tell us about their hideaways; so, during your visit, toast frequently to the health and happiness of Rubén Bonet (writer and limitless party animal), Iván Diaz Robledo, aka "El Güero" (filmmaker and street-savvy Tijuana-born kid), and Tania Candiani (visual artist and lover of the good life).

Restaurants, taco stands, pharmacies, bars, dance clubs, drinks, drugs, shops, stalls, Mexican crafts, surgery, dentists, souvenirs, sex, fun, anonymity, notorious bootleg brand-name clothing, timepieces, and games are all in walking distance from the border. And it's a whole lot cheaper; especially since the peso was thrashed by the financial crisis. So, oh sí señor, pase usted por aquí, dos por diez pesos, siga leyendo para saber todo lo que puede hacer aquí en Tijuana, que guerito, oig-ame usted, aquí comienza la patria…

Tijuana has always warmly welcomed every type of person from every walk of life and is especially accommodating to all sorts of unhinged addicts. A good part of the population's job is to pamper and serve while trying to grant visitors their every possible wish. That is what the city lives for. And that is what the city lives with.

To understand Tijuana, you have to be willing to accept that its most important historical building is probably Hotel Balneario, which, ironically, no longer exists. This hotel—today a local high school—was where Al Capone and his buddies spent their money and where Hollywood stars would come to lounge, let loose, and drink like horses since it was still Prohibition times on the other side of the border.

The hotel was part of the Agua Caliente Touristic Complex, which also included a casino, racetrack, and spa. It achieved near-mythical status during those times, thanks to gangsters and Hollywood stars who loved to call their favorite table at their favorite bar their second home. (Rita Hayworth was discovered here, for example.)

The only monument in the city today is the Torre de Tijuana. It used to be part of Agua Caliente, which also included swimming pools and a hippodrome. Now you can find an electronic betting place and greyhound races.

In the 20s, Avenida Revolución was the heart of tourist Tijuana. There were casinos, bars, nightclubs, you name it, and anything could be had for a price. The same holds true today, and it is still one of the busiest and most tourist-filled places in Tijuas.

Then we have, of course, el bordo. Or the fence, or the border, or the line, or the frontier. Its presence is constant and inevitable. It is an unfailing reminder of lots of things and one of the elements that gives Tijuana not only its strangeness but also its character and identity, for better or for worse. Metal plates that were used as desert runways during the first war against Iraq now help make up the barrier that runs for 26 miles along the border. The fence has become not only an icon but also a prop. People integrate it into their lives. In some places, such as the poorer neighborhoods that were constructed right beside it, some people use it as their fourth living-room wall. In others, artists and graffiti lovers have intervened.

Parque la Amistad, or Friendship Park, used to be a place where families and friends who lived on different sides of the border could meet and talk and share stories through the fence, under the watchful eye of the border patrol and la migra. Alas, the park (and friendship?) has disappeared.

El bordo Photo: Alfonso Lorenzana Navarro

Jesus Malverde Photo: Ivan Diaz Robledo

For those not planning on sleeping: La Zona Norte, TJ's red-light district. Its backbone is Coahuila Street (it's pronounced kawila—remember that when you have liters of beer in your blood), which also gives its name to the four or five blocks teeming with clubs, bars, lap dancers willing to grind more than laps, rancheros looking to spend all their money in one night, and tourists avid for heady emotions and heated adventures. And of course the hungry locals looking to see tourists make asses of themselves, which can also be quite a show. (The strip clubs are usually full-contact, by the way, so feel free to fondle. And street prostitution is legal.) In some clubs one can buy joints for a dollar. And in others, depending on the hour and the month, the town's most famous drug lords give out autographs: most often with pen on paper, and on some rare occasions with bullets in skin.

The Zacazonapan Bar is one of the most popular clubs in the area for visitors and locals alike. It went from being one of the roughest places in the city to the coolest of the Zona Norte. Since it is something like a family place, you can discreetly do meth without anybody bugging you, as long as you nicely pay your bills and don't rub the owner the wrong way.

For shows of a more artsy kind, head to Estación Tijuana. It's a gallery and the workshop of Marcos Ramirez, one of the most important local artists. It's next to the border, and many of the activities at this art space center around the particularities of this area, such as a slide show made by the artist Sam Durant that displayed historical pictures of San Diego inhabitants coming to watch combat between the army and the anarchists of the time, as one would watch a soccer match. El Cubo and CECUT (Centro Cultural Tijuana) are some other art spaces. El Cubo was constructed very recently to house contemporary-art exhibitions, while CECUT encompasses all types of art shows—historical, modern, and contemporary—depending on the month. They also have an IMAX theater in case you came to Tijuana for large-screen cinema entertainment and a calm night with the family (what are you, estúpido?).

If you've had your fill of art and music and want to see things that aren't the typical tourist attractions, there are a few interesting places to visit in Tijuas, frequently overlooked by most people:

The yonkes are where thousands and thousands of old cars end up, most of them from the USA, because the own-ers preferred to buy a new car instead of the hassle of dealing with repairs and mechanics. These cars are taken apart and then resold cheap. Go take a look. Sunsets look beautiful glinting off pieces of old metal. (Sigh.)

The massive constructions of social-interest housing are an impressive sight, homogeneous houses with a few blotches of color here and there… come take a look at the future.Then, if you are religious at all, you might want to visit two emblematic altars of Tijuana: One of them is dedicated to Malverde, and the other to La Santa Muerte (Saint Death).

Jesús Malverde is the patron saint for narcos, or drug lords. Obviously he is not officially recognized as a saint by the Roman Catholic Church, but that has not stopped him from gaining millions of adepts who pray to him for protection and miracles, especially in the poor states of the south, where drug trafficking is high. (Nowadays, they can also be found in Colombia and LA.) No one knows how much of his story is real and how much is folklore, but he is also known as the "generous bandit" and "the angel of the poor." He is thought of, in other words, as a Mexican Robin Hood who doesn't mind a few lines of coke now and then. (You can buy yourself a Malverde torso in many places around town from semi-clandestine vendors.)

La Santa Muerte is also known as La Santísima Muerte (Most Holy Death) and Doña Sebastiana (Lady Sebastienne). Often depicted as a skeleton dressed in a tunic or wedding gown, despite her grim appearance, she promises love, luck, health, and protection to those who follow her. Santa Muerte is widely believed to also be a narco-cult, but paradoxically enough she is also the one to pray to if you want to recover stolen items or kidnapped family members. So, if you would like to ask favors from her at one of Tijuana's Santa Muerte public shrines, the tradition is to offer the lady some of her favorite things: roses, cigarettes, fruit, candy, cigars, tequila, and marijuana. Not a bad life at all for the señorita.

Oh. And go visit the elevated part of the city, in the Libertad neighborhood. From here you can see all the beautiful city below, the fence, and the crossing point into the great US of A, with its 18 lanes and 18 gates leading us all to the American dream. (Though of course, as you well know, many of us prefer to use the back door.)

Then, if you tire of the intense pace of Tijuana, you can always take a road trip. The views from the high-way to Rosarito, going through Playas de Tijuana, are quite spectacular. The best beaches are in Playa Blanca. On the same highway (which is la carretera de cuota, the one that has toll-booths), you will find scattered miradores (lookout points); many of them have stalls with beers and soft drinks. You can see the surf points from there, the most famous one being the one on kilometer 38.5 on the toll-free highway from Rosarito to Ensenada. Also, from January to March, you just might see some big gray whales making their annual migration to the Baja California Sur bays.

Rosarito has more than 85 restau-rants to choose from, and lobster is one of the area's specialties. Puerto Nuevo, a fisherman's village is ten minutes away; here you will find what locals call the best lobster in the world, prepared with melted butter and served with beans and rice and huge tortillas made by hand.

And speaking of food…

Social Interest Housing Photo: Ivan Diaz Robledo

Mercado de la Villa Photo: Alfonso Lorenzana Navarro

FOOD

Oh sí señor, the many splendors of Mexican cuisine. We talked to our three Tijuana correspondents (remember Rubén, Tania, and El Güero?) to get the lowdown on the best places for stuffing your face. Many of the local favorites are not exactly proper restaurants but food stalls that grow like fungus on the city's streets. Half the fun is that these places do not have actual addresses. Just get yourself to the general location and stand out on the street screaming "Tacos!" until a local helps you or tries to buy one.

An interesting aside is that many of these places were recommended as hangover havens. They are legendary for making throbbing headaches dissapear. It's only proper that the country that gave the world tequila and mezcal would also have so meticulously and abundantly prepared for the morning after. This is especially true in Tijuana.

(The * means this place is a hangover sanctuary. You're welcome.)

Los Arcos - One of the best seafood restaurants in town, and with relatively moderate prices. The interior is decorated in sweet pastel colors and fisherman motifs are strewn across the room. Traditional Tijuana. El Güero recommends the oyster cream soup and the bacon-wrapped-shrimp platter. There's also live music on Saturday nights.

Blvd. Salinas 1000, 686-3171.

Los Clamatos* - Picture fresh clams, tomato juice, and lots of lemon and salt, all dropped into a whole liter of beer, and you have just imagined yourself a nice, cold clamato, prepared in that extra-special Tijuana way. (AND you can also place the cold beverage against your head).

Calle 5ª and Negrete, 10:30 AM and onward.

La Querencia - A slightly more expensive but delicious restaurant that specializes in regional Mexican food, with Asian and Mediterranean influences. Tania says not to miss out on the Chef Degustation Menu, accom-panied by a good Baja California red wine recommended personally by chef Miguel Ángel Guerrero.

Av. Esquadron 201, 972-9935.

Tacos de la Ermita - El Güero calls the owner of this place a "taco man who envisioned himself as a proper chef and on his way converted the taco tijuanense into a astonishingly gourmet dish." His strength lies partly in his signature spicy sauces: strawberry, mango, hazelnut, combined with chile habanero, chile jalapeño, chile de árbol, and chile chipotle. El Güero also tells us that the chef no longer graces the stall with his presence because people tried to kidnap him a few months ago, but that his employees were well-taught by the taco master.

Av. Ermita Norte 30-A.

Mercado de la Villa* - Local marketplace that sells fresh oysters the size of your palm, big cheap shrimp cock-tails, and well-made fish tacos. Rubén recommends lots of chile and lime on any (or all) of these, since shocking the taste buds seems to be half the trick to getting rid of a persistent hangover.

Mercado Hidalgo* - If lime and spice don't work and you need a bit more shock value added to the price of your meal, you can always ven-ture to the stalls in Mercado Hidalgo that sell pollo en mole (chicken in a hot-chocolate based sauce), panzita (broth made with chunks of cow stomach, prepared the traditional way), chicharrón en salsa verde (pork rinds in green spicy sauce), and lengua (tongue). Mmm! Our mouths are watering already.

Birria de Ermita Sur* - Birria is made by digging a deep hole, placing a goat inside (prepared with multiple spices and chiles, wrapped in maguey leaves), and then letting it cook there for more than six hours. Ahhh, the resulting soups and tacos promise to wake the dead (and the drunk) with their meaty aromas. A nice birria for hangovers is a national passion. Only Tijuana boasts a version also made with shrimp. On Ermita Sur.

La Roca Bar* - "And if the night is long," says El Güero, "and tacos are not your thing, and a beer is still an urgent necessity, then go to La Roca Bar. There, those who long for the south can become melancholic with sopes, asado azteca, pozole, panza, or a simple caldito de pollo." And Rubén tells us that on Wednesdays there is free carne asada with your drinks.

Gobernador Balarezo 400, 686-2346.

The anonymous oyster bar*- A little cart chock-full of fresh oysters (plus clams and other shelled delights) can be found in front of the Soriana Supermarket on Francisco Villa. But it is important to get there relatively early: After 12 PM they are all gone.

La Terraza Vallarta - On the malecón of Playas de Tijuana, enjoy seafood cocktails, tacos, fried fish, and if you are down to your last coins maybe a couple fish flautas or shrimp burritos while you enjoy the ocean view from the terraza. Music from the north is available live or from a jukebox with songs of love, corridos, and narco-corridos too. How fitting.

Avenida Pacifico 343.