Bisexuals and the Mythical "Get-Out-of-Monogamy-Free" Card
Oct 3 2012
Yesterday, while editing an article containing a huge chunk about monogamy and bisexuality, I was struck with the horrific revelation that people—some people—perhaps way too many people, think that being bisexual means that you are incapable of being faithful with your sexual parts to the person you're with. Hands up if you believe that this is true. OK, hands down, because you're a moron.
Being bisexual means a very simple thing. It means that you are attracted to men AND women. At first I was going to say that it means you're attracted to penis AND vagina, but that could lead into a gray area that is a whole other topic. It's possible for a person to be attracted to a person who gives off male sexy vibes or lady sexy vibes, but doesn't have those corresponding parts. But if you're still thinking that being bi means you need to eat a hot dog and a slice of pizza at the same time, because you are constantly craving both and can't possibly choose just one at that moment because of your uncontrollable wolf-like urges, then any advanced shit beyond what I'm about to break down here would melt your cogs.
One time (like, yesterday) a friend of mine was talking about her boyfriend, and how, since she's bi, if he wants to be with her then he needs to understand that she will HAVE to touch a boob from time to time, or else I guess she'll just die. This is perfectly fine behavior for an open relationship (which they also happen to be in) but it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with being bi-sexual. Is it possible that people have blurred the lines between non-monogamy and bi-sexuality? Let's check.
Here's What Non-Monogamy Means
This is where you date a bunch of different people, respectfully, and openly, but are not committed to just one person. They used to do this in the 50s. It was called "dating." Sometimes a non-monogamous person will have a "primary" partner who's their main person. Like, their favorite or whatever. This person will sometimes get to say "naw, I don't want you to fuck that person, because they smell like soup." They get veto power. I personally think a lot of people over-think the concept of non-monogamy, and try to make it seem normal and cool by tacking on a bunch of different rules that will often just arbitrarily change. But at the end of the day, who cares? Fuck whomever you want, just don't be a liar or a sneak. Live your life.
Here's What Being Bisexual Means
You are attracted to people who are both the same as, and not the same as, the gender that you personally roll with in your own life. Does that make sense? As I understand it, in the world of reality, a bisexual person likes different genders (in this term it's narrowed down to two) but that does not mean that they have to have both at once in order to feel complete. Maybe they do. There are lots of maybes in life. Maybe the sky will turn to orange juice if I don't brush my hair. BUT being bi does absolutely not mean that if you're in a otherwise committed relationship with one gendered person, you will have an open license to fuck a person of the other gender, because you just have to. I love almost every variety of cereal, and want them all, but I'm not going to buy a box of each and pour them into my gaping face hole to satiate my burning desire to be filled with oats. I'll SELECT ONE, consume it fully, and then maybe move on to another one the next day. Being bisexual doesn't mean that your crotch is like Two-Face from Batman. Unless it does. I don't know your life. Oh, it should also be noted that I will rampantly make out with at least two genders, but do NOT consider myself to be bi. I consider myself to be a slut. And this is also fine. And yet, I still don't cheat on people. So advanced. So layered.
Moral of the story is, life is complicated. Just fuck whomever and don't be a stupid dick.
Wait, no, the point is, bisexuals are attracted to a wider variety of people than heterosexuals, but that doesn't (always) mean that they have to have both at the same time. This thinking is why a lot of people (homos included) hate bisexuals. There should maybe be a new term—like there will be the standard definition of bisexuals, and this new definition that people are shitting out, which could be called "a walking threesome third."
Here's a video of a girl breaking down what I basically just said. Let's all watch it together because 1) She is amazing looking and 2) We learn through repetition.
Things You Learn Designing Porn Banners for a Living
I Went to a Raëlian Cult Protest for Titties
Stress Makes Me Horny
Superstitious People Are Dismembering Albinos in Tanzania
Voss Water Is Bullshit
Bad Cop Blotter: The Police Aren't So Brave When Someone Has a Weapon
It's a Godlis World: Early Photos of Punk Rock After Dark
VICE News: Water War: Dry in Detroit
Tim and Eric Tell Us About Their Greatest Fears
We Asked a War Correspondent About the Origins of ISIS