Every man's biggest fear is seriously fucking up his junk while he's fucking someone else. OK, well, every man's greatest fear is an orifice that bites, but after that it is doing something that is going to make your cock and balls fall off your body like an over-ripe fruit.
My friend, who I’ll just call Patrick, lives in DC where he works for the government (which is why he doesn't want anyone knowing his real name). During a recent sexual encounter he totally screwed up his nether regions something horrible and was basically laid up for a week with searing nut pain. Here is his story. It will give you nightmares. Maybe even worse than having your dick bitten off.
VICE: So, you go to this trick’s house…
Patrick: I go to the trick's hotel room.
You go to this trick's hotel room, and how are you feeling?
This happened on Thursday and I had like shit lined up for the weekend, with other people to fuck, and was feeling great.
When did you start to notice something was wrong?
I didn't notice it when I was fucking this guy. I was fucking the hell out of him. Like most Army boys he was a total power bottom, and I didn't notice it until I got up to take a shower.
Where did you notice it?
I was soaping up and there was this big fucking bump that went the length of that crease in my leg where it meets the pelvis. I was like, "What the fuck is that?" Then I realized my balls were inflating like balloons.
Wait, what? You could see them getting bigger?
Yes, it was like someone was slowly blowing up a balloon. I could see them expanding in my hand. What weirded me out was there as an extra lump in my balls too. The guy I was with was like, "What's wrong? I didn't know you had three testicles."
Did you feel something when it happened?
No, I didn't feel it at all. It wasn't like a traumatic, "Shit, I broke my cock!"
Did it hurt?
No. Initially it didn't hurt, but after about 15 minutes, it was kind of getting a little sore. When I was leaving I was walking weird and my balls were inflated to like twice the size they usually are.
What did the guy you were with do?
He asked if I wanted to lie down and I was like, "You're just a trick, I'm leaving." It's like 11, and I had to call someone. My friend is a nurse. I called him and I was like, "I think I broke my dick." He said, "Actually, you're in luck because a doctor friend is visiting me if you want him to look at you." And I was like, "No, I don't want your friend poking my cock and balls in front of you." So I went home. His doctor friend said over the phone to ice it, wear a jock strap, and sleep with my legs raised.
What did it look like?
It looked like I got hit with a baseball bat in my junk. The balls were totally black, like purple, and the crease was all black and yellow and half of my cock was black.
What happened in the morning?
It was pretty painful. I went to the doctor in the morning. I usually have a dude doctor but he wasn't there. But it was this hot Indian lady, and she said, "What is the issue?" I pulled down my pants was like, "This. This is the issue."
What did she say?
She asked a bunch of questions. She was hesitant to touch it. She was like, "You have to see a surgeon immediately." And I thought, Fuck, my dick is going to get chopped off. A surgeon? What the fuck?
What did the surgeon do?
I had to get an ultrasound. He said, "Here is this big napkin, take your pants off and I'll be back in two minutes."
What was the napkin for?
He said to put it over my "private area." I'm sprawled out laying flat and he gently lifts up the stupid napkin, and he squeezes all this really cool lube all over my junk.
Isn't lube all over your junk how you got here in the first place?
I know! He scanned my junk and said there's a mass of pooled blood here and here and here and pointed it out. There are all these veins pulsing and they're pulsing different colors as they're pumping blood. He said I burst a bunch of blood vessels in my scrotum, and that I have an abundance of veins in there, more than normal, and they're close to the surface and they're prone to breakage. And that I'm probably sterile. He said when I burst these veins, the blood was pumping but couldn't go anywhere so it started pooling in my body. That's what that inflammation was.
What did he say to do?
He said to wear a jock strap or two.
Who has two jock straps?
I actually had two, but I only wore one. He said to ice my balls on a regular basis and I'm like, "That's it?" He said there's nothing he could do.
What were you thinking when you left?
I'm thinking that I had some really hot sex planned for Saturday and now that’s out of the equation, and that I wouldn’t be able to jerk off for the foreseeable future.
Did he tell you not to jerk off?
He said, "Obviously you shouldn't be having any more sex," and added, "I would advise not 'messing with the area' until healing takes place," which I thought was code for not jerking off.
What happened when you got home?
I saw him on Friday, and that Saturday and Sunday I felt like a limping animal, like if a cat gets hit by a car how it just goes and sits and stews and waits to die. That’s what I did all weekend. I was miserable.
Did you go to work on Monday?
I went to this training class because I had been on this six-month waiting list to go. I thought I'd take some aspirin and go and it couldn't be that bad. It was that bad. On Tuesday I called the doctor because it was getting worse. My penis and balls were fucked up, and I didn’t want to take it lightly.
What did it look like then?
It was getting blacker and yellower. It was getting disgusting, turning really dark. Considering I'm pasty as hell, I thought, This is what gangrene looks like.
How big were your balls?
Combined it was like a decent sized navel orange. They were squishy, so it wasn't like I had an orange in my pants. But I could barely walk.
So you went to the doctor again?
I went to the doctor and we went through the whole ultrasound routine again. And he was like, "OK, well, everything looks fine."
Really? He thought that was fine?
He said the reason I was in pain was that all the blood was congealing and my body is trying to get rid of it, but there's nowhere for it to go. That I just had to wait for it to disperse, like a bruise. He said they could extract it. They would stick my scrotum with a bunch of needles and take all the blood out. I can barely stand someone sticking my balls in their mouth like normal, and he wanted to stab them full of needles when they’re all fucked up? That was not going to happen. So he wrote me a prescription for Vicodin. I ripped that out of his hands and hobbled home.
How long did the pain last?
I was in pain for like four days, like serious crippling pain. Toward the end of that week, like seven days later, it was the longest I've gone without getting off, and I needed to see if my dick would get hard. So I gently, very, very, ever so gently aroused myself to make sure I could still do it, but my balls were so painful I couldn't touch them. But I could get hard, so that was progress. But I didn't get off for almost two weeks after the accident.
Was it weird jerking off for the first time?
As I was getting closer to coming I was getting scared of what could happen when I got off. Would I break something and have pain again? Would I shoot blanks? I started to come, and I was having this really intense, slow ejaculation and right in the middle of it, my phone rang, and it was right next to me on the nightstand. It was the worst thing to go off during the most intense orgasm I ever had.
Did your junk still look all gross?
Yes. I joked with people that I felt like a little bit like Michael Jackson must have felt with vitiligo. I was white but my cock was black. It looked totally different.
When was the first time you had sex?
I finally got the all-clear from the doctor and I went to a party that night. I met this guy and we started making out and I was like, "There is one ground rule, do not tug on my nuts." He knew the whole story. What does he do, but starts tugging on my nuts. And I'm like, "Get out of my house. This is not happening." But then a few days later I fucked the shit out of him.
How was it?
It felt great, actually. If you haven't driven a car or ridden a bike in a long time, it was like that. It had a slight newishness to it.
What happened at your last doctor's visit?
He told me that if I was attempting to have a child and couldn’t, the problem was all the veins in my balls. He said that he can snip out a whole bunch and remove them, and I wouldn't be sterile. I think he was dwelling on it because it was of no interest to me at all at all.
Yeah, butt babies never live.
Exactly. I'm trying to fuck a guy in the ass, not have a baby.
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