Budget 2014: The Annotated Herald-Sun

The most satisfying part of Budget 2014: The Enfuckening was watching The Left throwing a hissy fit because Abbott and Hockey weren’t giving enough money to their precious socialist arts collectives. Also: the poor, students, pensioners, people with disabilities, families, and so on. But mostly socialist arts collectives.

The media wasn’t much better. Naturally, Their ABC put their standard biased slant on the cuts, obsessively picking over the “consequences” and “detail” of the budget like some sort of nerdy wonk. Nice going, wonk!

But if you wanted the real story on how the new budget affected working families, then there was no better place to turn to than the Herald-Sun, the newspaper for the average reader, by average writers. Its coverage the budget unveiling consisted of a wraparound special featuring pictures of happy, smiling families.

A lot of people thought this was absurd given it’s the happy smiling families who will suffer most from the budget, but then a lot of people are idiots. If you don’t like the photographs they used, then why don’t you start your own paper? Oh, because newspapers are a dying industry? You would enter a dying industry, wouldn’t you? And you expect us to trust your opinion on the budget. Pfft.

They don’t have to defend their use of artwork. So we’re going to help them out by defending it for them. That’s right, VICE has taken it upon itself to answer your concerns about their pictures.

Page 2: Joe Hockey kissing his wife Melissa

You asked: Why is this the first photo of Hockey we see? Fuck, I just ate breakfast.

We answer: What, you want another photo of Hockey standing in Parliament, snarling at someone? You didn’t get enough of that in every single newspaper for the last six years? And sure, we looked for one of him not snarling, but nothing came up. Seriously, we went through hours of footage, frame-by-frame. All snarls. But this picture is important, because it humanises Hockey. It shows that he kisses hot blondes. Do you kiss hot blondes? I didn’t think so, wonk.

Page 2: Budget 2014 graphic

You asked: Um, why is Andrew Bolt standing shoulder-to-shoulder with Tony Abbott?

We answer: It’s perfectly normal for the Herald-Sun to feature a striking, handsome picture of Australia’s leader, and there’s nothing wrong with him just happening to be standing next to Tony Abbott.

Page 3: Normal Family

You asked: Why are these people smiling? Was this taken before the budget was announced?

We answer: Yes, but there are other reasons. For one, the Age of Entitlement is over. Don’t question what that means, just accept that it’s a good thing. Two, look carefully at the picture. What’s the kid got in his hands? That’s right: it’s a mining truck. See, this family was smart enough to raise their son as a mining magnate. Meanwhile, the baby is going to become a school chaplain. You probably didn’t realise, but the average family is made up of mining magnates and school chaplains.

Page 5: Clapping mother and daughter

You asked: Why are these idiots clapping?

We answer: Um, that’s Sarah. She’s five years old and is the only kid in Australia born without a pancreas. So fuck you. She can clap as much as she wants. And Joe Hockey’s just given $20 billion to a medical research fund, so who’s clapping now? Sure, the fund is going to be focused on curing cancer and dementia, but it would fiscally irresponsible to invest in curing a disease that only one single girl has. So maybe she’s clapping because when she’s paying through the nose for one of her regular hospital visits, they’ll be fewer old sick people ahead of her in the queue. Not because cancer and dementia got cured, but because they can no longer afford to go. Either way, shorter waits! Or maybe she read that clapping is what brings fairies back to life, and she figures that’s her best course of action now. Either way, you look like the jerk.

Page 6: Bernadette Cutriopa

You asked: Really? more smiling?

We answer: Hey, should she not be happy to be working? On top of that Ms Cutiopa here is smiling because of the wishlist the Herald-Sun places next to her head. She expressed her hopes for a cut in personal income tax, investments in clean energy solutions, and no lifting of the retirement age. And sure, she didn’t get a single one of those things, but she’s smiling because the best weapon you can have against class warfare is resilience and also some scissors.

Page 10 and 11: Photogenic Mums

You asked: What was this article about? I didn’t really stop to read it, I just flicked through, but I did notice a lot of attractive mothers with cute kids.

We answer: Good. Don’t worry about it, you got the general gist.

Page 18: Young to earn dole

You asked: Why is the first non-white person in this paper under the word “dole”?

We answer: Weird that you’d make that connection. That’s pretty racist of you. After all, the much-tinier text down the bottom clarifies that he’s an electrician. Maybe he’s there because he’s concerned about other people getting the dole too easily. Or he’s upset that you’re a racist. Not the Herald-Sun. You.

Page 20: Another photogenic working family

You asked: Why don’t I feel mad any more? I feel… happy.

We answer: Excellent… hold onto that feeling. Smiling. Working. Heteronormal. Families.

You snap out of it: Wait a second – why isn’t there anything negative about the government in there? That whole budget special just a massive hand job! Where’s the criticism? Why aren’t any politicians being held to account?

We smile benevolently: Ask and you shall receive.

Page 5 of main section: Ghosts of Labor’s Past

You asked: Wow, those Labor people sure look shifty, don’t they? I remember why I didn’t vote for them.

We answer: That will be seven dollars.

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