Buttwater Is a Legendary Party Trick
Aug 28 2013
For the past few weeks, I’ve been touring around doing standup comedy, opening for a band called KEN Mode, and we recently found ourselves in Boston with nothing to do. It was a Monday, and some guy invited us to his barbecue kegger. We arrived, I quickly got wasted, and halfway into my second ball of bacon wrapped chicken, a man named Dan—who’s been traveling with a band called Flying Snakes—approached me. In a southern drawl, he asked: "Hey, y'all wanna see a video 'bout buttwater?" I obviously said yes and when I saw it I almost dick watered my own pants from laughing so hard. Buttwater is a legendary party trick—with an anal waterfall punchline—and it was born in Orlando, Florida.
Make sure you watch past the 50-second mark.
While this footage was unfortunately shot on an ancient cell phone, the beauty of buttwater is that it doesn’t require glorious 1080p video to get the message across. Water coming out of a butt is funny at even the lowest resolution. But this blurry video of a grown man expelling water from his poop chute did not completely satisfy my curiosity. Who is this guy? Where did buttwater originate? What’s up with the mask? In order to learn more, I asked Dan to get me in touch with the buttwaterer himself—a man called Vulture. Here’s how my conversation went.
VICE: How did you get the nickname Vulture?
Vulture: When I was about 16 years old, after punk shows we would go out to a diner or something like that and I wouldn’t order food because I knew there would be leftovers. I'd pick at everyone else's food or pick food off of another table. My philosophy was: I had money, I had a job, but the less money I spent on food, I could buy more punk-rock shirts and see more punk-rock shows. Then one night my friend's girlfriend was like, "This guy is like a fucking vulture. He's eating off every table in here."
So do you have a lot of sweet punk T-shirts now?
Yeah, well, I don't fit into them anymore. I got a little bit fat as I got older, so I decided to sell most of them.
Oh well, life goes on. So, when did you figure out you have a gift for shooting water out of your butt?
I remember hanging out at someone's house late one night. We were swimming and our friend, who was a couple years older, was talking about this technique (that would later become buttwater) and saying how it was possible. I thought it was bullshit. I just didn't believe it. So he told me how to do it. We were probably drinking, so I gave it a whirl. You just have to have the “I don't care, I'm not embarrassed, whatever” attitude. So I went ahead and did it. Everybody cracked up. I get the same reaction every time.
Isn't there a risk your colon could blow up from the water pressure?
Probably. That's what my friend's mom told us one time. But I was also young and stupid, and it's not like, "Dude that's fucked up. You put a hose in your ass?" No it's just like, you get a little pressure coming out of the hose, and you put it up close to your butthole and the water goes in. It's not like I was putting a gallon up there. There are probably some risks, but I wasn't thinking about those at the time. I was thinking about the entertainment value.
The infamous buttwater wolf mask
You're a born entertainer. Did the legend of buttwater travel outside of your friend group?
It started off with just our friends, and then it turned into doing it for 15 to 20 people. Then I would stay with my buddy at his house and he would have touring bands come through and I would do it for them. Our other buddy lives in the Orlando area, so I'd go over there and he'd have some pretty big parties at his college complex with like 70 or 80 people. He'd give me a bottle of whiskey to start off the night, knowing he'd get me to buttwater by the end.
So there was this car-wash area in the complex and one night we all went down and I was buttwatering with the car-wash hose. Then the cops came, so I decided to run back to the apartment. A cop grabbed me while I was butt-ass naked. He said, "Where are you going?" and I said, "Back to my friend’s apartment.” He asked me where my clothes were so I pointed at my buddy and said, "He's got 'em." So, my buddy dipped behind a car and the cop goes, "OK, get out of here!" He ended up giving my buddy a ticket for letting people run around the complex naked. Meanwhile, I got to go.
From there, it turned into quite the spectacle at college parties. One time we were driving from a show and we pulled up to a light. The window was down and I drunkenly asked these guys: "Hey, where are you going?” And they said, "We’re looking for a party, some dude named Buttwater is going to be there." Buttwater had become a staple at parties in Orlando.
People would come from miles away just to see buttwater?
Yeah, people from shows would be told things like, “If you come to this party, buttwater will happen.” But when you explain it to people they don't get it at first. They have to see it, then they're like, "Oh god! That's so fucked up."
It is pretty fucked up, in a fun way. What’s the story behind the video I saw?
When that video was shot, I hadn't buttwatered for years. It happened at BBQ my college buddy was having and he was trying to relive the memory of 15 years ago. He's like, "Dude, you have to do it." I said no, so he kept pestering and pestering me. So that's why, on the third time, I buttwatered on him.
You got him!
Yeah, he was rolling around and he kept saying, "It was worth it! It was worth it!"
Do you always fill up your butt with a garden hose?
Yeah, it was always a garden hose. We always joked about doing it live on stage, because we played in a band called Soap in the Pee Hole. All the lyrics were like, "I've got soap in the pee hole / It burns!" We would joke about using a turkey baster and buttwatering the crowd, but that was obviously something that would never happen.
Who are buttwater’s fans?
It's surprising how diverse crowds are all amused by it. I have this one buddy who's a lawyer now, with a wife and two kids, and he had me do it for all of his lawyer friends. They were typically uptight people and said, "What the fuck is this?" But they thought it was the best shit they had ever seen. Probably because their lives are boring and they don't get to see stuff like that. Also, this girl had me do it for her parents, because it’s her dad's favorite video. He shows it to all his friends while they drink scotch and smoke cigars.
Do you think you can make money from buttwater?
I have no interest in doing that, plus I think plenty of people know how to it. I was never the one saying, “Let's do this.” It was always my friends.
Has buttwater ever gotten you laid?
OK. Lastly, why the wolf mask?
I got it from my friend’s band, Wolf Face, and due to the fact that every time I do it, my buddies always film it. I tell them not to. No cameras. So one night my friend said, "Dude, if you're worried about that, put on a mask." I didn't want my face connected to buttwater. I'm 31 years old now. It was for security purposes. I'm a commercial printer now.
Your secret is safe with me, Vulture.
More about butts:
Weediquette: The Cannabis Republic of Uruguay - Part 1
London Is Turning into a Depressing and Dumb Stock Image City
Here Be Dragons: Sorry, Everyone, Making Fuel Out of Seawater Isn't Gonna Save Humanity
Seven Important Truths About How the World Takes Drugs in 2014
Our E-Cigarettes Are Going to Melt Our Faces and Burn Our Houses Down
Owning Porno Used to Mean Something, Damnit
Photos of the Bathrooms and Kitchens of America's Bachelors
Stop Panicking About Getting Older, You Pricks
How Airbnb Makes Tax Day So Much Worse
Advice for the Twitter Professional at US Airways Who Tweeted Hardcore Porn