This Burt Reynolds Auction Is Super Depressing

It's not uncommon for celebrities to auction off their belongings in a time of financial crisis. Fame has a way of giving human beings the magical power of making trivial items valuable, as well as the ability to ​irrationally spend their hard-earned income on dumb shit—two skills that prove especially useful when one falls on hard times.

Superfans and speculators alike will line up to purchase all sorts of meaningless shit so long as it was graced by the elegant touch of the world-renowned. And the value of the item up for auction is often dictated by how famous and beloved the celebrity is who owned it. That's why when I clicked on the ​Burt Reynolds auction I was shocked to find rock-bottom bids on pretty much all of his belongings. Burt's fans, it seems, have abandoned him in his time of need.

And Burt Reynolds isn't just selling things that are worth selling. He's apparently selling everything he's ever owned with his name on it, including his fucking old credit cards.

That's right. You can buy Burton L. Reynolds' totally useless, expired AmEx card. Folks, I should not have to tell you how depressing it is that a man in dire economic straits would try to sell his old credit cards. That's like Ron Jeremy selling his floppy, malfunctioning old man dick while he's still alive. For the record, the current max bid on Burt's card is $250.

So far, no one has bid on the ​half-length portrait of Burt, which an appraiser estimated is worth between $400 and $600. Will that price skyrocket in the next ten days? Probably not, but if you can buy this thing for $50, wouldn't you? You could one day tell your friends and family that you own a portrait of Burt Reynolds once owned by Burt Reynolds. If that's not worth $50 I don't know what is.

The majority of the auction is made up of tough guy memorabilia—western wear, guns, crew jackets, and statues that would look right at home on Dick Cheney's desk. There's also the trophies—relics of a time when anything Burt-related would have fetched a fortune. There's even his award for being the "Top Box Office Draw of 1977."

Burt won this prestigious award the same year that Star Wars was released. It's currently going for $250. On the other hand, a Yak Face action figure from Return of the Jedi is ​currently going for $14,999 on Ebay. I'm sorry, Burt. I'm so, so sorry.

The auction ends on December 11, so there's still a chance that someone will greenlight Smokey and the Bandit 4 in the next ten days.

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