Image by Chris Johns.
When I discovered both Kim Kardashian and Kate Middleton would give birth this summer, I became excited about the prospect of a baby smack down. A few years ago, pitting two shapeless bundles of human potential against each other seemed uncouth, but Toddlers and Tiaras has proved watching children try to kill each other is rewarding and fun. When you think about it, a battle between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s new offspring and William and Kate’s still-unborn sovereign is more entertaining than watching little girls named Alaska and Montana fight, because you can mock the kids without having to worry about their inevitable slide into nicotine addiction. (North West will totally only smoke an e-cigarette, and the royal baby will only smoke behind mummy and daddy's back.) Who will win the Thunderdome matchup of needlessly privileged newborn babies? Lets put the tater tots head-to-head to find out.
Originality of Name
Obviously, I don’t need to elaborate on why North West is a stupid name. But it’s worth noting the name North West embodies the pretension and faux-minimalism Kanye attempted to project by making his 100 months pregnant girlfriend wear Tilda Swinton's church clothes. Meanwhile, during Kate’s pregnancy, Prince William has been flipping through baby name books searching for musty, patrician names like Charlotte, Benedict, or (at best) Lady Edith. Yes, according to weird British tabloids that pretty much exclusively cover the royal family, the names posited for the royal chicken nugget are about as exciting as William himself—which is to say the names are about as thrilling as the empty wind you hear when you listen to a large seashell. Point: North West.
The Royal baby will attend a same-sex boarding school to learn how to project disaffectedness during tennis matches, and North West will attend a Beverley Hills private school that has a weird semi-directional name like “Crossroads," where grades will have as much value as Whose Line Is it Anyways? points. Basically, the only way the royal baby is going to win this round is if Hogwarts accept the little twat—a long shot considering the royal family’s history of inbreeding. Point: North West.
A few years ago, Kanye was swaggier than Justin Bieber’s monkey, but his “friendship” with Riccardo Tischi and devotion to the avant-garde (read: forcing his pregnant girlfriend to wear a shoe he designed to look like it’s made of sea urchins) has knocked his cred. In mere months, we’ll probably see North West wearing laser-cut leather diapers and asymmetrical Comme des Garcons bibs. But North West can still win the battle of the diaper swag, because the royal PR team is probably planning to dress the royal tot like Kate, who loves “to dress like us.” For several years, the paps have snapped photos of Kate in low-priced pieces that “unite her with the commoners," which is British slang for “distract the peasant slaves from their Dickensian working conditions.” You know, I bet Kate pitches a bitch-fit every morning, because her handmaiden refuses to let her wear a tiara or fishnets made of golden fleece. Who wants to be a royal, when you have to dress like a mall kiosk employee? With this style protocol, the royal baby can only pull a surprise upset if Kate decides to ironically dress the babe like an itty, bitty chav. Point: Draw.
Kim and Kanye practice a special denomination of Christianity where you enter heaven riding a Faberge camel through the eye of a Swarovski encrusted needle. North West will no doubt have a flashy baptism, (possibly in the basin used by Connie's baby in The Godfatherposted for all of Instagram to see). But the royal baby will eventually head the Church of England—a religion founded on the principle that gluttonous ginger kings should be able to put babies inside whichever six-fingered mistress they please. No need to explain why that's a lot cooler. Point: Royal baby.
The royal baby doesn't represent everything wrong with the United Kingdom—the royal baby is everything wrong with England. As the inheritor of an ancient tradition that perpetuated serfdom, colonialism, and unjust aristocratic rule, this toddler and his or her tiara is the royals’ latest flashy attempt to distract the cockney masses from realizing the royals fund their extravagant lifestyles with tax dollars—a fact that gives the world more reasons to bow down to the Kardashians. Yeah, people say the first family of reality TV represents everything wrong with American society, but the Kardashians are really a bronzer streaked version of the American dream—a huge half-Armenian family made up of untalented people who used their Puritan work ethic and shit ton of chutzpah to earn millions of dollars. They’re basically the Romneys. Point: North West.
Final Breakdown: North West: 3, Royal baby: 1. Real Winner: AMERICA. Did you actually think the royal baby was going to win this contest?
Previously by Emalie Marthe – I Wore Vaseline on My Face Because Tyra Banks Told Me To