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The Larfs Issue

Chelsea Peretti Answers the Questions Of Carl Bennett

Chelsea Peretti is a comedian and writer whom we respect and admire. Carl Bennett is a comedienne and writer whom we know and who loves Chelsea Peretti. Carl wrote questions, and Chelsea answered them.

Chelsea Peretti is a comedian and writer whom we respect and admire. Carl Bennett is a comedienne and writer whom we know and who loves Chelsea Peretti. Carl wrote questions, and Chelsea answered them.

1. What got you started?

I was temping after college in New York and this other temp told me to come with her to an open-mic night at the Parkside Lounge.

65. What is a turn-on for you?

DSLs, big dicks, cologne.

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33. Do you like cats? Wait, don’t let it out of the bag… Joke I’ve been working on. I’m a bit of an aspiring comedian. Any advice?

Rework this Q.

U. What kind of shampoo?

I use Nounou, currently. Cheaper one: Pantene. I also like the orange-bottle Kérastase shampoo. Always open to a new shampoo. Always.

88. What is your favorite oldie?

Did you mean who is? Hard to pick, I love and am obsessed with old people.

T. What’s the longest you can hug for?

A whole Stevie Wonder concert.

4. You have a beautiful smile. Why can’t I have it all to myself? Ha ha, just kidding, but you really do have a beautiful smile.

Thanks for the smile compliment! I wish I had DSLs but will work with what God gave me. Isn’t that weird that God gave some people DSLs?

F. I love you.

I love YouTube.

6. Why don’t you return my emails?

Sometimes I get a li’l behind on emails. And sometimes they’re weird and I don’t know how to respond. This feels like a good way for us to catch up!

11. How many boyfriends have you had? Did you love any of them?

I probably deeply loved two of them. I think I’ve had ten (starting from junior high school but it still sounds like a lot, sorry everyone).

8. Who is the first person you think of when you wake up?

Jah, primarily, then whoever I’m working for or, if I’m not working, whoever will go eat with me (in that order—L to R). Also sometimes a guy if that whole thing is going on.

9. What makes you smile?

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Butterflies jk.

e10. When’s a good time for me to come over? Ha, just kidding, I know you’re super-busy.

Good one.

11. 84?

88,986,657!!

28. On Facebook you often ignore my replies to your posts. What is up with that?

88,986,657!!

15. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

88,986,657!!

14. Did you really go out on a date with Louis CK, and is that serious?

That was on a TV show on FX. It’s a comedy.

16. What is our, I mean your, favorite song? I think it’s “Moonshadow,” but what’s your answer?

Close! “Blow the Whistle”—Too $hort.

17. I read on Facebook that you like the Lakers coach Chuck Jackson. What is that relationship to you?

His name isn’t Chuck, it’s Phil. He is a fantasy father. I have a whole fantasy-father dream team: Dr. Drew, Phil Jackson, Tim Gunn, and the Dog Whisperer, for starters. White hair is a common denominator. And gentle power. Blech, I am disgusting.

1D. I’ve got a big collection of adult comic books. What is your middle name? On Twitter it starts with the initial V.

You seem cool! Venix.

20. I favorited more than 50 of your posts on Twitter, what is your favorite dog? How much do you like that dog?

My favorite specific dog was Rufus the jet-black toy poodle my dad and stepmother had in my youth. I also met a Portuguese water dog named Gus in New York that I was really fond of, and I think Labradoodles are cute. I used to love a friend’s longhaired Chihuahua named Chupa. She’s in New Orleans now. I like this dog Jackson in LA but it’s a I-don’t-think-he-cares-if-I-live-or-die type deal.

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21. I heard that you’re writing a TV show?

I got hired to write for

Parks and Recreation

on NBC. Hopefully I’m still there as of print date.

G. Where do you go for your favorite cup of coffee, and about what time?

I used to go to a few NY places: Aroma (their mocha has real choc on bottom), Gimme!, and Mogador. In LA I like Intelligentsia’s coffee and Vietnamese coffee at Viet Noodle. I don’t have a set schedule, sorry. Also, I omitted two of my favorite LA places.

73. I don’t have a license but I saw a really bad car accident yesterday. Have you ever been in a car accident and was it scary?

I’m sorry you saw that. Were there brains? Someone once told me they saw a head crushed by a bus like a watermelon—or is that an urban myth? Can that happen? I’ve only had fender benders and they were scary because I was a teenager and very emotionally tender at the time. Once in Oakland I sideswiped an older black man’s huge shiny American car. It was a waking nightmare.

52. Do you do your own laundry or do you drop it off?

I used to drop it off in New York, in LA I do it myself.

82. You have a lot of friends on Facebook. Do you know most of them?

No.

K*. I am a very BIG fan of your stand-up. When you’re up onstage have you ever looked at one audience member in particular and thought, “I would like to be with that person?” If not, that’s cool, but it seems like it’s bound to have happened.

Thank you. Yes. There have been some cute guys at shows before where I’ve gotten momentarily distracted from killing. But nothing is worth losing focus over. I kill every time I get onstage. It’s exhausting and requires total concentration. My arms get tired from motioning audiences to sit back down after all their standing ovations. This sounds cooler than it is in practice—it really fucks with my rhythm.

22. Do you wanna come over to my friend Gus’s house? Do you like raisin pancakes?

I like all sorts of pancakes (lemon ricotta, pumpkin, blueberry, buckwheat, etc.), but I think it’s fair to say that raisin pancakes sound gross. Not to be a dick about raisins—they’re real good combined in a pan with sliced kale and browned garlic and pine nuts. Google those ingredients, there’s a great recipe online. I guess this is it. We’ll end on that.