Drugless in Chicago

Get this in your head now: Chicago is an alcohol town. I rolled in here from the West Coast with a bona fide coke problem. Relocating to drugless Chicago proved far cheaper than rehab, and I got to sell all the lame seven-inches people here somehow still care about. That laid the foundation for my newfound problem: Alcoholism. Here is how we do it… RAINBO (1150 N Damen Ave, 773-489-5999) If you’re in a band on tour, you end up here. If you’re a dude trying to lay a new girl, you end up here. If you’re a girl trying to meet a new guy, you end up here. Don’t fight it. Learn to accept and love it. Be sure to tip heavily, because you have (or have covered up) a tattoo of the bartender’s first band, no matter which guy serves you. RODAN (1530 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-276-7036) Also known as Bro-dan on Friday and Saturday nights. Hanging here is like chilling in the not-too-distant future, like maybe 2008. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the bathroom mirror. It’s a fucking digital video camera taking pictures and projecting them on a flat-screen monitor. Sometimes they have it on this tripped-out setting that captures an image and freezes it there for a few seconds. I was waiting in line to piss one Bro-dan night, and this douche walked out reeking of some borderline Drakkar Noir shit. I entered the bathroom, looked at the mirror, and there still captured with crystal clarity was the Zoolander face he was testing out to go into the night with. MATCHBOX (770 N Milwaukee Ave, 312-666-9292) The Matchbox is AWESOME. It’s a total old-school bar that doesn’t even have enough room for two people to walk by each other toward the bathroom. Drinks here are like tits: One leaves you wanting another; two is heaven; three, and you better head to the hospital. GOLDSTAR (1755 W Division St, 773-227-8700) This place used to be all right till it got invaded by Chicago bike weirdos. Does every city have these? Manic Panic’d gutter kids who love disgusting canned beer and build those retarded “Why be normal?” junk bikes on which to spread stupidity across the city? It’s like Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, but they’re all “fighting” George Bush instead of Tina Turner. DANNY'S (1951 W Dickens Ave, 773-489-6457) Danny’s fucking rules. It’s an old apartment-turned-bar and it may be the only place in this entire city that guarantees a nice, mellow hang any given night of any given week. Soul Night is off the charts—truly the most magical evening you can have in Chicago. DJs play cuts deeper than an Alley customer’s latest suicide attempt*, and EVERYONE dances.  HUNGRY BRAIN (2319 W Belmont Ave, 773-935-2118) Um, dudes? Please. Is this a bar or a Matrix convention? And your improv night? Free jazz is free cuz no one’s dumb enough to pay for it. SIMON'S (5210 N Clark St, 773-878-0894) Simon’s is a rad bar up north with a killer jukebox and a total hunting-lodge vibe. There isn’t a single thing wrong with this place, which is kind of unsettling.  SMART BAR (3730 N Clark St, 773-549-414) They are doing a party with us on Friday, June 23rd, which is basically why they are called “Smart.” CAROL'S (4659 N Clark St, 773-334-2402) Another exotic Northside attraction, Carol’s is a country bar that keeps it alive ’til 4 AM. Wednesday nights are not to be missed: They feature live-country-band karaoke that answers the question every Southern Illinois trailer-park child is wondering on Wednesday night: “Where’s Daddy?” Well, Cletus, Daddy and his Crosby-lookin’ fishing buddies are jamming their nuts off on country hits and the most illegal cover songs you could ever imagine (“Six Days on the Road”!!!). There’s an open invite for any picker in the house to hop up onstage and shred-it-be with these true good-times soldiers. Heed their call and your next brew is on us.

THE SLASHIE PHENOMENON A slashie is a liquor store and bar combined, and there seems to be at least one of these mutants in every neighborhood. They’re known for their rad, classics-heavy jukeboxes and total critter-crowds and staff. If you add the working body parts of the typical slashie crew together (guy with eyepatch, girl with one leg, bartender with hook, etc.), you sometimes come up with one complete human. Plus, these spots are always ghost towns. Only suckers make reservations for large parties in Chicago. Just hit up a slashie and it’s Birthday Party, USA, population: You and your dawgs! THE 4 AM PHENOMENON We’re clueless if this is a zoning thing or what. Most bars in Chicago close at 2 AM (3 on Saturdays), but each neighborhood has a handful of bars that keep the party going ’til 4 AM each and every night of the week. The wise hit the 4-AMs around 1 to avoid the traffic caused by every other motherfucker cruising towards the holy land when their precious 2-AM hits last call. 4-AMs are also no-holds-barred sex holes. Showing your ID to a door dude pretty much guarantees you’re fucking something tonight—whether it be girl, guy, up, or retarded.  HOT 4-AMs INCLUDE: NICK'S 1516 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-252-1155 ESTELLE'S 2013 W North Ave, 773-782-0450  MARIE'S RIPTIDE LOUNGE (1750 W Armitage, 773-278-7317) Marie’s deserves special props as it’s staffed most evenings by OLD ladies. I’m not even going to take a stab at their ages, as I’d hate to offend those angels (65?). All I know is they’re wild for Jager. Do shots with them and ask that they put the clip of them on Conan O’Brien up on the TV. Don’t take no for an answer: They TOTALLY have it there.