Cry-Baby of the Week
It's that time of the week where we shame some fucking cry-babies again!
Cry-Baby #1: Barbara Nethercott
The incident: A woman discovered a product called Chicken Grenades.
The appropriate response: Nothing.
The actual response: Outraged by the use of the word "grenades," she launched a campaign to have them banned.
One day last year, Barbara Nethercott (pictured above) was in the freezer section of her local supermarket when she noticed Chicken Grenades, which are pieces of chicken wrapped in bacon. Named, presumably, because they are kind of round and explode in your mouth, or something.
When she got home, an outraged Barbara emailed her local newspaper, the Hamilton Spectator, saying, “It’s the name of an explosive device that kills people, and they’re using it frivolously to sell chicken and bacon.
“This is a weapon which is used to kill and maim people who are fighting for freedom and innocents alike," she added. "In war-torn countries children run away from these weapons, here we are eating them. It is a total insult to those who have served and those who have been maimed and died. This word should not be used frivolously.”
She also contacted Loblaw, the company that makes Chicken Grenades, but was disappointed when they got back to her with with what she felt was a "standard response." So, instead of ending her campaign there, she got in touch with the Canadian Landmine Foundation, which is an antilandmine charity based in Canada (obv).
The Canadian Landmine Foundation, amazingly, had nothing better to be doing, so they also got in touch with Loblaw, saying in an email: “Please note that I support her appeal to have the product either removed or renamed with the word 'grenade' removed entirely.”
This got the attention of the company, who conducted something called a "Marketing Team Review." After the review, Robert Chant, who is the vice president of Corporate Affairs and Communications at Loblaw (and amazingly also had nothing better to be doing) called Barbara and told her that they had decided they weren't going to change the name.
Realizing she had run out of options, Barbara decided to end her campaign. Saying that although she had wanted to get the product rebranded or recalled, she felt she had given it her best shot, "as one person trying to make a difference."
Not looking forward to the day when she discovers Bazooka gum and Magic Bullets...
Cry-Baby #2: Park Elementary School
The incident: A kid chewed his Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun.
The appropriate response: Nothing.
The actual response: The Pop-Tart customizing child was suspended from school.
Seven-year-old Josh Welch was eating a Pop-Tart during breakfast time at Park Elementary School in Baltimore, Maryland. According to his teachers, Josh chewed the Pop-Tart into a shape and pointed it at another student, while saying, "Bang, bang!"
Speaking of the incident, Josh said, "All I was trying to do was turn it into a mountain but, it didn't look like a mountain really, and it turned out to be a gun kinda. It was already a rectangle and I just kept on biting it and biting it and tore off the top and it kinda looked like a gun, but it wasn't."
Which, obviously, is all bullshit. What kind of a seven-year-old boy tries to make a mountain out of a Pop-Tart? And how do you fail at a mountain and end up with a gun? And why would you point a mountain at someone and say "bang bang"? There's so many holes in that story. If he's gonna go on TV and lie to everyone, he should have maybe taken the, like, ten seconds it would have taken to think of something more convincing than, "It was a banging mountain!" Come on, man.
Obviously Josh doesn't need to lie about this anyway, as making a Pop-Tart gun is not a big deal in any way at all. If anything, a mountain-shaped Pop-Tart would be more dangerous than a gun-shaped one. As it would have at least one sharp edge. (Assuming he was going for the traditional mountain shape, and not like, Table Mountain or Ayers Rock or something.)
Anyway, Josh was removed from the class, and suspended for two days. And his fellow students were sent home with a letter for their parents explaining that there had been an "incident" at school that day. A letter I would've totally framed if I'd received it.
So which of these crying babies is greater in size? Let us know in this little poll right here:
Winner: The coach-firing guys!!!
Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT