Strange News from the North

Chloride Bombs, Half-Naked Cab Rides and the Hookers Ball

By Toby Fehily

First up, the NT spent $50,000 to ship a saltie to Brisbane on a commercial flight with passengers. They even brushed the bastard’s teeth before take-off. On the same day, The Conversation posted an opinion piece on why a culling won’t solve the crocodile problem, (which mostly refers to them eating people) though it mentioned nothing about flying them out on economy.

As for Not-Croc News, a series of chloride bombs were blown up in bathtubs and letterboxes across Alice Springs. Meanwhile, irony rocked Darwin when a series of tremors forced the evacuation of Darwin weather bureau staff, who were no doubt too busy not noticing the earthquake to notice the earthquake . Not so ironic was the town that was hit by a grassfire only days after the government announced plans to cut back the number of firefighters in the area. Days, mind you, after Darwin’s hottest December day in 36 years. We cannot confirm whether the laid-off firefighters will be given a complimentary plane flight and toothbrushing. 

Here are the rest of our highlights:

Taxi driver Mike Caldwell spent 17 hours driving a man who was wearing nothing but boxers and thongs from Townsville to Tennant Creek – a 1,500 kilometre trip, all up. Mike said there was nothing suspicious about it. Nothing suspicious at all about the half-naked man with a bag of cash who doled out $4,900 for an interstate cab ride. Seems legit.

Hardy Aviation grounded all flights after misreading a letter from the Civil Aviation Safety Authority (CASA).Turns out it was only a caution, not an order, and business is back to normal. You may now go back to being hurled through the air in an aluminium tube by an airline that can’t even fucking read.

Darwin’s premiere cultural event, the Hookers Ball, returned for its 26th year . If it sounds gauche, don’t worry – it is. Men were forced to hand in their pants in the cloakroom or else face a $250 “fine” for entry. “Ball-goers”, the Herald Sun called them, without even a blink. The hoity-toity among you can chin-up though: no on-duty police were caught rubbing crotch against slags this year (that was 2008). The whole thing’s for charity or some shit.

“Tough guy” Carlo Euginio Betti is suing the NT Government after two fellow prisoners bashed him unconscious with the old Soap In A Sock.  Important to note: this is the guy who once punched a two-time NT Tough Man Competition winner and threw an apparently newsworthy kickboxing grudge match over a girl. Betti, who is currently serving a 13-month prison sentence, didn’t think the conviction given to the two teenagers for his bashing was enough, because violence is never okay, especially when it’s against Betti and never when it’s by Betti.

A crazy broad from Humpty Doo (yes, it’s a real town) clung to a car bonnet for a joyride when a bunch of P-platers tried to make off with her fairy lights. The thieves sped up to 70 km/h and swerved in an attempt to shake her off. She, however, was damned if she didn’t get back her $25 decorations. The Christmas kleptomaniacs eventually slowed down before throwing the fairy lights out the window. 

Former Taliban trainee and Guantanamo Bay detainee David Hicks threw a hissy fit after Barrack Obama thwarted his plans for a fishing trip in Darwin. Hicks claimed he was harassed by police and told to leave the city in advance of Obama’s visit to the NT. It’s a real bum rap for ex-terrorists in Darwin.

There are “drunk people defeating and having sex in public areas”, said Darwin City Council Alderman Helen Galton in a meeting with Chief Minister Terry Mills. This isn’t exactly ‘news’ though.

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