Dad's Bedtime Tales No. 5
Jan 5 2012
In case you haven’t heard, yaoi is the new trend inspiring rabid leagues of young Japanese fangirls, now that they’ve gotten bored with cat cafes and doughnut heads. Yaoi is gay manga porn that involves really steamy sex scenes drawn in graphic detail of pretty boys falling in love and tossing each other’s salads. I’ve always wanted to be a Japanese schoolgirl, because everyone and their father is obsessed with boning them, so when a friend told me about yaoi, I decided to give it a go. Unfortunately, I accidentally bought a comic book on gay incest porn and ended up really grossing myself out instead. Oopsies.
But to fully understand my grotesque gaffe, you need to fully understand yaoi. The word “yaoi” is translated as “boy’s love” and comes from the phrase Yama nashi, ochi nashi, imi nashi, which means “No climax, no point, no meaning”—a reference to the proliferation of fervid ass-licking and lack of actual plot. However, everyone in the anime community (ugh) knows that yaoi’s true etymology comes from another phrase, Yamate! Atashi! No oshiri itai! Which is the much more kawaii-sounding “Stop it! My ass hurts!”
Comic by Skin Horse
The weirdest part about yaoi is that not only is it meant to be enjoyed by girls, it’s written by them—making the entire genre some sort of self-enclosed knitting circle. Except instead of sitting around making Sanrio-themed sweaters for their BFFs, these girls are swapping stories about their favorite faggot’s newest love triangle. Maybe it’s because I’m selfish and can’t get off to any erotic fantasy that I can’t pretend to be a part of, but gay porn doesn’t really do it for me. I think the main function of gay guys for straight girls is to give great advice on BJs and how not to shit all over your partner’s dick when analing (or how to exit gracefully if this occurs). Hearing about their sex lives is more “meh” than “ewww.”
Playing my own devil’s advocate, I reminded myself of the one time, a few years ago, when I went over to a friend’s house and watched him suck his boyfriend’s cock, and how it got me surprisingly randy. So maybe gay sex did have some undiscovered potential, even for an onanist who ovulates. With that in mind, I breezed into the first newsstand I could find in Chelsea and picked up the only comic book they had in stock. It was called Dad’s Bedtime Tales Volume 5 and its publishing house was the subtly titled “Handjobs Magazine” (with a cartoon sprouting penis as its brand icon).
I was jonesing for some eggnog, so I didn’t bother flipping through the book’s contents before purchasing it. The cover page looked hot enough—especially the SQUISH! SQUISH! text artfully covering a young cutie’s perk buttocks. In hindsight, however, I probably should have picked up on the two warning signs I received hinting that the title’s “dad” was referring to someone’s literal father and not an older gay man. 1.) When the newspaper stand guy gave me a cheeky-pervy grin when taking my money and said, “This is a good one.” 2.) When I forgot the book at a restaurant and had to double back to retrieve it, the waitstaff had buried it deep in the basement and bumbled around with excruciating awkwardness before they handed it back with downcast gazes.
It wasn’t until I delved into it myself later that night that I realized the comic tome I possessed was scorched with shameless perversity. The vignettes weren’t easy to stomach, even for a seasoned pervert, and mostly involved dads and uncles taking their nephews and sons’ virginities. Here’s a choice sentence, involving a dad kept up at night worrying about his son’s vitamin intake: “I kept thinking how I was going to push those huge vitamin pills up inside my son’s butt. How would he react when I shoved my finger up to my first knuckle inside him?” I wanted pretty gay boys romancing each other under the moonlight. Instead I got the 21st century equivalent to Lady Chatterly’s Lover, where Lady Chatterly is actually a 50-year-old tranny and her lover is a 12-year-old boy who also happens to be her son.
Rating: One dildo. I prefer my bonding to involve bondage, not brothers. Someone recommend me some real yaoi for next week.
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