Shunga

Japanese porn is fantastic, probably because everyone in that entire country is fucking insane (also because Asian chicks are hot). If you’re into the whole non-consensual thing + beaver dam vaginas, you’re in luck. A friend from Hong Kong recently turned me on to shunga—ancient scrolls that are pretty much dinosaur-era hentai, Godzilla cocks included. FACT: Octopuses are great to mess around with because they make the same sexy-squelchy sound as when a dick slides into your vajayjay. Except even better, because those suction cups are just made for clits and nips.

NOW:

THEN:

I brushed up on my nihongo skills to translate the above text for you. The girl is screaming:

“You hateful octopus! Your sucking at the mouth of my womb makes me gasp for breath! Aah! yes…it's…there!!! With the sucker, the sucker!! Inside, squiggle, squiggle, Oooh! Oooh, good, Oooh good! There, there! Theeeeere! Goood! Whew! Aah! Good, good, Aaaaaaaaaah! Not yet! Until now it was I whom men called an octopus! An octopus! Ooh! Whew! How are you able…?! Ooh!”

Scrolling through hundreds of these only solidified my inkling that the Japanese have been fucked up since forever—a fact that’s hardly surprising considering my fondest memory of Tokyo was from when I was 14 and trying to get away from the cops after dining-and-ditching at Denny’s. The safest place my friend and I could find to hide was a pink room in a cheap love hotel where the ceiling dripped soap bubbles nonstop and the receptionist showed us a vending machine in the corner that dispensed handcuffs, blindfolds, and dildos for our enjoyment.

Anyone who’s lived in Tokyo knows that sort of shit is pretty much de rigueur. So it makes sense that these bizarre picture books were actually instruction manuals for Edo’s abundant geishas and prostitutes on how to satisfy their samurai. Through the city’s local lending libraries, guys would also trade these scrolls with each other like Pokemon cards. Apparently many of them got off to elaborate, Julian Assange-esque “sex by surprise” fantasies. Such as:

Sneaking your peen into a suckling mother (ninjaaaaaaa!). Competing with an infant for tit access probably sucks.

Awkward threesomes are the worst. This one time my college BFF and I initiated one with our resident advisor, but midway through realized that he 1) was a terrible kisser, 2) was also a huge asshole (not the sexy kind, either) and 3) had shaved his balls (deal breaker!), so we put our shoes back on and peaced.

The Japanese Pinocchio was a perv (you’re surprised?). Every time a girl faked an orgasm, she’d be punished with gigantic gobs of semen-boogers on her mound.  Also, my research tells me that gay boys in Japan still totally subscribe to the belief that big noses = big dicks. Dumbass goys.

Revulsion toward the idea of white people fornicating is evidenced by this dude’s facial hair (carefully drawn to exactly match his pubes), and…. wait, what the fuck is going on here? Are those dangling balls growing out of his cheek being cupped by the scaly fingernails of a hidden midget?

Anyhoo, despite the crudeness of this imagery, the accompanying text in shunga scrolls typically veered towards the euphemistic. Following the Asian tradition of using honorific titles to address anybody above you, a penis is described as “Dear, Honorable Jewel,” and a parted vulva as “The Examination Hall.” A passage explaining doggy style is elegantly labeled “The Donkey At The End of Spring,” and my favorite sex position is reformulated as “The Cat And The Mouse In The Same Hole.” Just guess!

I totally dug this beautiful poesy, which was complemented by long onomatopoeic lines like “yoyoyooh, Saa… Hicha hicha gucha gucha, yuchyuuchyu guzu guzu suu suuu….!"even though I never really figured out if those were supposed to be random sex noises or just what Japanese sounds like to everyone else’s ears.

Rating: 2 dildos. I changed my mind. I hate bushes and those bitches are UGLY.

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