The Cat's Fancy

What if having sex with animals is the final frontier? After all, it wasn’t too long ago that people were convinced masturbation was an ontic evil and sodomy a danger to human civilization. Could bestiality be… the best? How would it feel to have my cat lick my cream?

After whining to my friends about all the bricks I had to scarf down to get through the previous novels, someone asked if I had read “that book about the guy who loves his pussy.” That book is The Cat’s Fancy, and it has apparently won a bunch of “really prestigious” awards like the Dorothy Parker Award for Excellence. I’m not sure what the fuck the Rothschild poet has to do with trashy cliterature. I imagine she would have wanted to tear her eyes off and scream “I CANT LOOK YOU IN THE VOICE” if she read this shit. I know I did.

However, this tale of feline fornication challenges readers to re-conceptualize their notions of illicit sexual behavior. It centers around the inappropriately named Nicholas Goodman, a hotshot attorney on the brink of obtaining a high-powered partnership at his firm, and marrying his gorgeous fiancée. Then he falls in love with his cat, Maggie, and becomes a full-scale pet pounder.

Nicholas can’t be blamed. Who can resist the secretions of a cat in estrus? If you squint hard enough, her genitalia probably just looks like a really hairy pussy.

Maggie reciprocates her owner’s affections, but purring and licking only go so far. So she turns to her friend, a tomcat who probably enjoys his own inter-species dalliances now and then, for help. Zoobb.com helpfully informs beginner zoophiliacs that “tomcats like masturbation before they sleep just like human males. Pet him until he’s pretty mellow and he’ll eventually reward you for your efforts and show you his penis. That’s your cue to bend down and suck him.”

In a brilliant reference to Disney fairytales-gone-wild, the tomcat (who turns out to be magic) agrees to give Maggie a female body so that the couple can enact their furry fantasies—but only at night. In order to retain her corporeality forever, she has to get him to say “I love you” within the week. Maggie tries a variety of parlor tricks to seduce Nick’s heart, including:

- showing up at his house naked

- auditioning to be a model in a commercial, coincidentally playing the role of a catwoman

- giggling with Nicholas’ boss over his own secret love of dressing up in costumes (yes, this novel is a bit of a Pride Fest)

- eye-fucking Nicholas while sexily licking her hot cocoa, “letting the thick cream coat her sore throat”

It doesn’t take long for Nick to quit his job and ditch his fiancée. After all, Maggie is the perfect lover: sexy yet submissive, permanently crawling on all fours, practically mute (she learns a smattering of English from watching Melrose Place), instinctively horny, and willing to do anything for an I-love-you.

On the seventh day, Nicholas accidentally says the wrong three words (“You’re absolutely beautiful”) post-coitus, and for a terrifying moment the reader is tricked into thinking that this might not be a happily ever after. But Julie Kenner, proud owner of three cats (ooh, fun!), adds a twist at the end. As it turns out Maggie’s soul is part-human anyway, so Nicholas’ zoocrastic yearnings will still be fulfilled. Maggie remains human, and the scene ends with the lovers sharing a Big Mac. I wonder if after the sex gets a little stale, they’d consider inviting a cow over for a threesome.

Rating: 5 dildos. The Cat’s Fancy was a profound meditation on the nature of social conventions and sexual perversion. One could argue that bestiality is frowned upon because of its associations with dirtiness and poverty—after all, the wealthy can pay someone to have sex with them, whereas a rural farmer might have to turn to his mare. Inter-species sex might be non-reproductive, but so is sucking dick. And isn’t sexuality the universal instinct that connects us with other animals? Just kidding. I feel nauseous and Julie Kenner was probably on a shitload of ketamine while writing this. But you should still read it.