Closet Rocks

I am an Ebay addict. I have to go cold turkey for months at a time or I get lost in an endless vortex of disappointment, bidding on things that are amazing but ultimately losing auctions because I am always, ALWAYS outbid. That's the problem with being a cheap-ass I guess, I only win if no one else bids on an item. I am also unfortunately talent at finding weird things I want that are way way way out of my price range. My obsession with concert shorts started off the internet. I scored a pair of David Allan Coe shorts at Willie Nelson's 4th of July Picnic in Ft Worth, Texas. They are the best little yellow athletic shorts with "David Allan Coe Tour 2004" embroidered across the ass. There is nothing like the sort of attention from having the name of outlaw country's biggest badass across your bum. Those shorts inspired me onto regular searches for similar items.  I quickly realized, however, that the world of Ebay music memorabilia is filled with gross Metallica board shorts and Pink Floyd boxers, but if you wade through the dregs you'll find an occasional gem. I'll never forgive myself for losing the auction for a pair of Death sweatshorts that only went for $20. Sure they were a size men's large and probably once sheltered the sweaty balls of a heavy metal drummer, but still, they could have been mine. This gem, however, will never be mine. I love Anthrax, but $225 for shorts that will make me look like a total butchie is out of the question. These have been online as a buy-it-now for months and I hilariously found them on multiple message board threads. Turns out they are torturing the metal masses, not just myself. While I will never get sick of a classic metal or rock t-shirt, sometimes there is a desire to mix it up a bit. Aside from shorts, I've found the joys of painters caps and jackets in my searches. Hell, I even scored a Metal Church necklace for five bucks. And this gem is due in the mail any day now: Sure, Divine Intervention isn't Slayer's greatest album, but for $5, I'm not gonna complain. Generally necklaces go pretty cheap because they were widely disseminated and shoddily made. Plus, since it's a fairly gender-specific item the appeal is narrower. Hats on the other hand can break your heart. I once got lucky and scored this Motley Crue Shout at the Devil-era flap hat with an amazing array of badges on it for only $20. Yeah, I'm a dick and hung it on my wall. This is a piece of history that I love, but who really wants to see me out there in the world wearing it? Though it is a hit whenever we have a house party. But they can go for much higher. Rock memorabilia is a broad and loving world of merchandise that can nurture even the most rabid of fans. And you don't have to be a serious collector to get into it. My budget and my apartment size result in me exercising considerable restraint. Things like this amazing 1983 Judas Priest Screaming for Vengance satin jacket for $125 are out of my range, even though they stay embedded in my imagination. Why torture myself so? Why take the time in posting about things I can't afford? This is a fashion post, that's what the world of writing about clothes mostly consists of: dreaming over the unattainable. I'm just trying to be a little more honest here, and also I have the hopes that someone really cool will buy the things I can't so I can rest assured that they are in good hands. Yes, this attachment is a little obsessive and yes, I may just be a little sick, but come on, look at this thing! It's been sitting in my Watchlist for weeks now. I discovered after I first found my dream gift for my boyfriend, an '89 Slapshot shirt. Unfortunately this tee is $150. (Fortunately I found the same one at an affordable price and made my Bostonian boyfriend very happy.) Lured in by the expensive dream tee I decided to see what else the seller had. This fucking Canadian has a store full of dreams at prices I can't begin to afford, like the beautiful Priest jacket and this Iggy Pop tee: Oh well, I'll just keep telling myself I don't need them. Just like I don't technically need this terrifying hand-painted Barbara Streisand shirt) that seduces and repulses me at the same time: