Clyde's Corner: Skateboarding Rules

I was kinda stumped on what to write this week. Truth be told, I had my head in these books pretty tough the last few weeks and wanted nothing to do with words whatsoever. I did finish this semester with As and Bs for all you smarty art-ass cats out there actually dumb enough to believe I’m as dumb as the person I dumb myself down to be. See what I did right there? Anyway, buddies, this is Clyde’s Corner and what am I gonna do? What am I going to completely tear apart because I’m bored? Could it be skateboarding? Cool, no problem. When not getting tons of free shit and excellent fellatio, this is what I think about skateboarding.

WAY TOO MANY COMPANIES
Everybody and their momma got a skateboard company. Throw out the notion of possibly over-saturating the already over-flooded market of hard goods with wheels. Inferior products? Who cares? Got a buddy up the road that makes wooden rakes? No one will notice the difference. Hell, you could even sell ’em for cheaper than the other guys and make them in Cambodia. And for the ultimate kick in the balls, why not just throw some of the lamest graphics imaginable on a piece of wood. The kid’s will buy it, no doubt.

TOO MANY SKATEPARKS
What’s really sad is that a lot of cities (big and small) have seemed to really be into pushing skateparks in areas that… actually… FUKK IT, I ain’t scared to say it: into ghettos. Anybody ever notice the amount of publicly funded time and money going into these lower-income areas to build skateparks, while at the same time they’re closing doors on schools? I’m a big advocate of education, especially considering that a good 70 percent of American adults can’t read past a seventh grade level, which makes them losers idiots. Cats be at the skatepark day and night and can’t even read the damn sign outside. Shit is pathetic, breh.

INTERNET
Good lawd hammercy! The internet is single-handedly killing skateboarding. It’s full up with some of the worst videos, forums, lames who don’t skate, fatherless weirdos who follow people around all types of day and night, armchair team managers, super creepy no-life-having dweebs who parade around as other people, bunch of dudes snappin’ their fingers three times in a Z-formation talking all wild… I could go on forever. Motherfuckers suck. If it ain’t a decent video, I don’t even concern myself with the other 85 percent of skateboard-related shit on the internet. It’s like skateboarding’s version of Bad Girls Club and a terrible morning news show all rolled into one.

TOO MANY PROS
Anybody remember when you goddamn knew what a pro looked like? Seriously, who are like 70 percent of these dudes? You ever go into a skate shop and look at the wall? Maaaaaaaan! I almost had a damn seizure, looking at all them names and colors. What even constitutes going pro nowadays? A video part no one even seen? I’m actually being dead-ass serious. The days are long gone when an actual legitimized pro would turn a dude pro. Now if your buddy thinks you’re pretty good he’ll go talk to his man that sells weed, and next thing you know you’re a pro too. Weirdo-ass dudes just wanna see their name on a board, no one’s gonna remember. The fuck part of the game is that?

I DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW
This is the part where I was gonna go in on why most of the old heads are too serious, why people should leave religion out of skateboarding, and all that funky stuff, but I’m about to start celebrating my birthday this week, which will last another week after that. You weirdos be easy till next time.

Also by Clyde Singleton

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The Ten Worst Tricks in Skateboarding Part Two

Why I'm Cooler Than You

@hustlemania