You know how it is. You want to go out for Halloween, you really do. You mean it when you RSVP to those parties on Facebook, when you plan your elaborate costumes, when you trade excited emojis in group texts. You are going to go to the warehouse party on the edge of town and see some shit. You are going to get someone else's body paint smeared all over you.

But then you realize: Halloween is a Monday. Your hangover from the weekend is still buzzing around the back of your head like an undead bee, your costume is balled up and torn on your bedroom floor, the contents of your purse is scattered in the alley outside the bar, along with your hopes and dreams for the weekend. The only really spooky thing that happened to you was when you accidentally looked at your bank balance at the ATM.

Still, it's Halloween. Fine. You said you would go out. You're going out. Just for a couple. A quiet rehash of the last few days, a huddle with friends where you reassure one another that it was fine, really, and Allison won't hate you and she probably doesn't even remember, and anyway everyone was drunk, who cares, dude?

Here's what you can dress up as for tonight when you really don't want to be yourself:

• Put on your only suit
• You're James Bond! Or, a waiter?

• Grab some kitchen utensils
• And maybe a bloody apron?
• You don't have an apron
• But still! Who knows what you're cooking up? Spooky!
• Be careful not to lose your good spatula

• Say you're going to go to a party
• Don't show up
• Voila!
• Someone we know actually did this

• Get a dog leash
• Go around asking people if they've seen your dog
• Kinda funny!

• Get your novelty mug out of the cabinet
• Drink out of the novelty cup all night, even at bars
• At the end of the night, put the cup on your head
• It's a captain's hat!
• No, this IS a good costume

• Just grab that lampshade, put it on your head
• C'mon honey
• You can't show up at the party with no costume
• Honey
• C'mon

• Go out of your house
• It's a Monday, and you're 34. What are people expecting?
• Ugh