A well groomed man in an orange shirt conducted an informercial recently for a sexual enhancement product. His neck veins bulged like vipers, and he talked confidently about vacations to a ski lodge in Vermont. He claimed his supplement would increase sexual stamina, mood, and blood flow. He may also have been selling an ointment. Something perhaps to slather on your balls. I called the number on the screen to investigate. Here now is a transcript of that phone call:
Vice: Hello, is this the dick pill hotline?
Dickpill Hotline Operator: We sell herbal, all natural supplements. Have you been watching our information session?
I bought your product last week, and ate a bunch of it. Now I’ve had a boner for two days. My left ball burns real bad. It feels like it’s on fire.
You ate the lotion? Or the supplement?
I ate it all. I called before and said I wanted to increase my blood flow and stamina, and my mood. I’ve been in a bad mood. I told your operator I wanted to knock down small trees and shrubbery with my cock, so they sold me a month’s supply. Now my dick won’t go down.
Have you called a doctor?
I thought the guy on TV was a doctor. I bet he can fuck for hours, especially when he’s at the ski lodge. Is there mentholatum in this shit? Is that why it burns? Isn’t BenGay made out of menthol?
The man in the infomercial is a healthcare professional. Sir, you probably need to call your doctor.
You said if I call right now, I get another month supply free. The burning doesn’t really hurt, it just won’t go down. Also, for some reason, I hear Condoleezza Rice’s voice in my head. Is that part of your thing? What is Siberian Ginseng Extract?
Are you having auditory hallucinations? Sir, you should call your doctor.
But it’s 2 AM. Maybe I should just whack off. I’m going to YouTube Condoleezza Rice, and put on Jethro Tull’s Greatest Hits.
Masterbating may help. If that doesn’t help, call your doctor.
You all should have better looking people advertising your product. The lady on there looks like a hyena that’s been run over by a dump truck. And the guy is a total chode. What is L-arginine? Is that why my ball is on fire?
L-arginine is an amino acid that occurs naturally in food. It shouldn’t directly affect your testicles. It boosts the body's production of nitric oxide, a compound that facilitates erections by dilating blood vessels in the penis.
Why does Condoleezza Rice have two z’s in her name? I never really realized she was hot before. Even though I want to bang her, I’m not voting for her. Or Jeb Bush.
Sir, if you’ve stabilized your situation, I’m going to end the call now. This is just a call center. If your condition persists, please call a doctor. That’s all I can tell you.
Do y’all sell weed butter? I think if I wiped weed butter on my cock it would go down. Where are you?
I can’t tell you where we are, Sir. Good luck.
You’re in Canada aren’t you? You sound sexy. Canadians always turn me on. What time do you get off? Would you like to Skype? Hot ski lodge steam shower Skype sesh? You can watch me wipe weed butter all over my balls.