Cry-Baby of the Week
Welcome to our new column, Cry-Baby of the Week. It's a simple premise–basically we present you with two wimps, and then ask you to decide who is the bigger whiner.
Cry-Baby #1: Ashley Taylor
The incident: Ashley Taylor, a presenter for a local news channel in Myrtle Beach, had her microphone grabbed out of her hands while she was on air by a guy who then shouted: "I am that nigga! Ayyyyeeeyaaay!" into the camera.
The appropriate reaction: To laugh until you cry, then call all of your friends and say, "Ha, were you watching? Did you see that?!?! Ahahaha!" before laughing some more.
The actual response: According to the EXTREMELY SERIOUS news report above, Ashley filed charges against the mic-grabber. It doesn't specify what he was charged with, but she does refer to them as "some serious charges."
Also, she made the fucking news report, in which she refers to the incident multiple times as "an attack," speaks to a "victim service coordinator" (!!!!!), and, completely earnestly, says things like, "The irony of this attack? I was reporting on a new crackdown on crime in Myrtle Beach. Little did I know that I would become the victim," with a level of seriousness that would only be acceptable if she were a drive-by victim reporting on her own death. If it weren't for the fact that a guy could go to prison because of this, it would maybe be the funniest video ever made.
Cry-Baby #2: Kylie Steger
The incident: An Australian woman bought a burger from a Hungry Jack's, which is basically the Australian version of Burger King, in the very Australian-sounding town of Toowoomba. When she opened the box, there was a drawing of a penis inside.
The appropriate reaction: To laugh, take a picture of it for Twitter, and then complain to try to get some free burgers.
The response: Kylie (who is one of the 30 million Australian women named Kylie that are currently wearing a rugby shirt) took her story to the papers, and was interviewed by The Chronicle, where she posed for that HILARIOUS photo above, and said things like "It literally made me sick," before promising to "never buy another burger from there again."
If seeing a crudely-drawn cartoon penis makes her feel physically sick, she must have a very hard time when confronted with the real thing and in public toilets. According to the news story, Kylie has two children. Who, presumably, will be bullied until they are literally dead once their classmates see a photo of their mum getting butthurt over a cartoon penis. Great job, Kylie!
So who is the biggest cry-baby? Let us know in the poll below so that we can shame one of these self-serious wimps forever.
Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT
Epicly Later'd: Ed Templeton - Part 3
Meeting Earth's Strongest Men at the Top of the World
Welcome to the Bananapocalypse
The Return of Radioactive Man
The VICE Guide to Travel: Miss Camel Beauty Contest
Yakiri Rubio Killed Her Rapist in Self-Defense—Now She May Go to Prison
The VICE Podcast - Akhil Sharma and His New Novel, 'Family Life'
Fire Walk with Me
The Creator of the Greatest Criminal Defense Attorney YouTube Ad Is Also a Battle Rapper
VICE News: Russian Roulette: The Invasion of Ukraine - Part 5