Cry-Baby #1: Enloe High School and Raleigh Police Department
(Thanks Charlie for the tip-off)
The incident: Some kids threw some water balloons.
The appropriate response: Nothin'.
The actual response: A mini riot broke out and eight people were arrested.
Last Thursday, school officials at Enloe High School in Raleigh, North Carolina, heard rumors that students were planning a prank.
As a precaution they alerted local police, who sent several officers to wait on campus in case anything happened.
The prank turned out to be a group of 16 and 17-year-old students having a water balloon fight.
The police, heroically, stepped in to break up the fun by violently throwing several teens to the ground.
A 15-year-old student named Jahbriel Morris, who was not one of the kids throwing water balloons, had to be treated in hospital for cuts and bruises that he received as a result of being thrown down by a police officer, who then smashed his head into the ground "at least two times."
Kevin Hines, the father of a student at the school, arrived to pick his son up and witnessed the officer slamming Jahbriel to the ground. When he attempted to intervene, he was asked to leave the property. When he instead tried to go to the principal's office to talk with him, he was arrested for second-degree trespassing.
He's not the only one who was arrested. A total of seven water-balloon-throwing students were taken in by police and charged. Six of them with disorderly conduct, and one with assault and battery for throwing a water balloon at a security guard.
There were rumors on Twitter that the balloons may have contained urine or bleach, but a school spokesperson said that, from what they could tell, they only contained water.
Everyone who was arrested is currently out on bail.
Cry-Baby #2: Gary Cole
The incident: A man came up with the idea for taco shells made of Doritos before Taco Bell started selling them.
The appropriate response: Nothing. Every single stoned person ever has also had that idea.
The actual response: He is suing Taco Bell.
Gary Cole, who has been an inmate of Colorado's ADX Florence prison since 1997, claims that he had the idea for Doritos Locos Tacos in 2006, several years before Taco Bell started selling them.
Gary is part of the way through a 25-year sentence he was given for “delaying interstate commerce, conspiring to do so, and using and carrying a firearm in relation to a crime of violence"—I don't know what that means, but it sounds bad.
He claims that, back in 2006, he sent a notified letter to his lawyer containing several ideas for a brand he invented called "Divas and Ballers." These ideas included "hot sauce, body oil, clothing line, and shoes and accessories." But also, crucially, “Tacos shells of all flavors (made of Doritos).”
In his complaint to the court, Gary, who is representing himself (oh dear), claims that the letter must have been stolen through the US Postal Service and submitted to Taco Bell.
Gary contacted the FBI and also sent a Freedom of Information Act request to Taco Bell, asking to be sent any documents relating to the invention of their Doritos Locos Taco shells. Taco Bell didn't respond to the request, because they're a fucking fast food chain and why would they?
Gary didn't specify the amount of money he wanted in his complaint, but did ask the court to place “a lean and moratorium on Taco Bell, Frito Lays, Pepsi Co, Yum Brands, et al. for the fraudulent and concealment, theft, lying, and covering up, to violate patent and trademark, invention and United States Constitutional Rights, to steal the taco shells made of Doritos of all flavors" (all sic, obv.)
Holy shit people must get bored in prison.
Which of this lot do you think is the bigger cry-baby? Don't keep that shit to yourself, tell us about it in this poll right here:
Winner: The guys who hate mooning!!!