Cuddles from Va-China

Everything comes from vaginas… and from China, in today’s world of free (unregulated) trade. Put ‘em together and you’ve got va-China, a birth canal lubed with chemical toxins and prisoners’ blood, endlessly popping out cars, TVs, toys, and all kinds of other products that overpopulate our storage spaces and attention spans. We Americans are addicted to mass crap, cheeseburgering on into 99 cent stores by the dirty dozen to inhale these bargain items. Recently I spotted some adorable va-Chinese kids’ shoes with a label that said, "These shoes have chemicals in them that may cause cancer."

In truth, reports have found that about a third of the products for kids from this country “may cause cancer.” Stuffing in a lot of these va-Chinese plush toys contains serious carcinogens, and the latest craze in possibly toxic snuggles comes from a company in Hong Kong called Jay at Play. Let’s have a look the hottest line of combo monster mash-up items, "blankets that are puppets," aka CuddleUppets!

Notice the eyeballs—the windows to the soul, remember—on this family of loaded and wasted-looking kid crap. These snug buds all have the same physical trait, and perhaps it suggests more than just sleepiness. They appear to  to be completely zonked on Ambien, though likely there is more to this gang of blanket puppets, this motley crew of sleep-assisting bed buddies. I am on to them and I think I know exactly what these jerks have been up to…

Brown Bear appears to be coming off a four-day meth binge and possibly regrets mugging people outside the pool hall—the whole situation went bad when his spoon shiv was turned against him. Maybe he is still in pain from the sharp knee to the groin and simultaneous handbag slap he received from his on-again-off-again meth hussy because he screwed up his hustle and shot the cue ball in on the first turn after the break. He is FREAKED OUT TWEAKED OUT and hasn't slept for days.

Blue Elephant appears to be on a one-way ticket to a Valium vacation of death….

While Purple Monkey appears to have enjoyed a supersized bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill while chewing on a mittful of Kolonapins in front of that shithole Rite-Aid in Hollywood where the line is a year long with one check-out clerk. Not only did he shoplift the Boone’s Farm because the wait was too long, but because of that odd system they have going on in there where you never know which is the line because people sometimes renegade their own out of nowhere. Along the way he also pocketed some huffing glue out of spite for the line systym. He also just ingested a half-eaten, stepped-on, bacon-wrapped hot dog he found in the cesspool of spit out gum and phlegm hock on the ground. Clever monkey.

Yellow Puppy seems like he swashbuckled a pirate barrel of Miller Time and a hashish spliff and the result is wetting himself severely and not giving a shit about it. He got ripped off on his hash purchase from Purple Monkey because he is a dumbfuck and everybody knows it.

Pink Poodle is not only a cuddly puppet blanket, she spends her days as a street walker when the kids are at school. She sips on the sizzurp for hydration as she transforms her tired, trustworthy eyes (as the cabbie referred to them before she split on the fare) in the carwash bathroom, taking way too long to apply her Wet'n'Wild eyeliner she also lifted from Rite-Aid out of spite for their sucky line system. She then crack rocks out and TWERKS it in the park for her daily trickpile of johns who doctor dose her intravenously with speedballs of Belushi power. She can handle it because when she was born she was already addicted, so her tolerence is pretty high—and so is she, clearly, we can all see it. She is not fooling anyone posing as a puppet blanket.

And last but not least we have Green Crocodile, our most progressive of the wild bunch, a Pike Bishop-like character who’s the leader to this gang of stoned cuddle creatures. Green Crocodile is on the good ol' American bath salts diet. To him, getting high must be based in pure mania and murderous random acts of violence. He naturally has a taste for human flesh, and he gets away with attacking and devouring people because nobody would suspect a puppet blanket.

He's making me hungry already.