I was just in LA for a week to host a comedy roast for Adidas that failed miserably. For those of you who think my writing isn't funny, just imagine how disappointing I am in person. Neil Hamburger is a natural compared to me in front of a microphone. I've been drinking heavily to wash the memory away. It hasn't been working. My friend Matt Sharkey suggested we have an orgy, or at least what sounded like an orgy—it was a nice sit-down dinner with a bunch of porn sluts. Matt has been working on a book of naked porn gals around their houses and in the process has become BFFs with Belladonna.
Do you know Belladonna? She's fantastic. She's like the David Copperfield of porn—she can make anything, and I mean ANYTHING, disappear up her ass. She could fit the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower up there with ease. I generally like that sort of extreme stuff in my porn at this point in my life after having seen just about every manner of sex act known to man over the years. Now I watch only for the sport of it, to see if someone will stretch the body's limits beyond what could have been imagined. Belladonna is pretty good in that department. So I agreed to the dinner. I figured if anything was going to clear my head it would be naked women. Then I went to her house with my wife and everything went wrong.
First off, she had clothes on. Lots of clothes. Layers in fact. I looked at my wife like, "What the fuck?" She led us into her living room and told us she'd be right back, that she was going to change, which I took as her going to get naked and stick something up her butt to feel more comfortable. "We should probably take off our clothes," I told my wife, "I don't want her to think we're squares." So we started to disrobe. I was shirtless and my wife down to her bra when Belladonna returned in sweatpants and a t-shirt. She gave us a confused look.
"I thought you were going to get naked," I told her.
"No, I said I was going to get changed," she said.
"I thought that meant naked."
"I didn't know you wore clothes... around the house... or ever. You're a porn star."
"I'm a mother. My child is in the next room."
Crissie and I put our shirts back on and the three of us sat uncomfortably, staring at nothing in particular, waiting for Matt and his wife to show up. I wanted to go home. Then Sasha Grey showed up (the porn gal from that Shot by Kern episode) and she had clothes on. Then we saw porn stars Joanna Angel and Jenna Haze and they had clothes on. It was fucking Bizarro World. It's like they all had amnesia and forgot that they are supposed to be naked all the time. I mean, these were women who all love butt sex and multiple dudes at the same time and there they were, all acting like they were normal people. With clothes on.
We ordered sushi and I was certain that when it arrived everything would change. I thought that the only way porn stars probably like to eat sushi is out of each other's crotches or by sticking it up their ass and then shitting it out into another girl's mouth. And I was very excited to see it unfold. I nudged my wife, gave her a smile and the quick, repeated Groucho Marx eyebrow raise that indicates something zany is about to happen, and whispered to her, "This is it!" But then they all reached for chopsticks and put the food in their mouths and ate it like regular folks and it was completely boring and totally sucked. A complete and total letdown. Belladonna asked me how my meal was. I looked at her with contempt and said, "It's fine. Just fucking fine. Thanks."
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.