That photo on the left is of David Yow, the guy who used to get naked and horrify audiences with the Jesus Lizard and Scratch Acid. The image on the right is a painting he made from the photo. If you know the Jesus Lizard, you know there's something in this guy's brain that isn't quite firing in a traditional way—someone smart once described his vocals as sounding like "a kidnap victim trying to howl through the duct tape over his mouth." This is exactly why we're aching to go all Rose DeWitt on him.
After three decades of being in bands, Yow just released his first solo record. It's got a great title: Tonight You Look Like a Spider. To celebrate, he's doing a contest where one extremely lucky human will win a portrait painted by Yow himself.
We're of the opinion that contests should be easy to enter, but David Yow is crazy, and he's developed a five-tiered system for those who're just dying for a Yow hanging above their midcentury Danish credenza. Decide which is right for you based on how decided you are to have this damn thing:
1. "I guess I sort of want it." This is the option for those who sort of want to win. Send an email to email@example.com with the subject line "I guess I sort of want it." That's all. This option gets you one ticket, that way at least your name is in the raffle.
2. "I'll trade for it." The second option is for people who want this thing. Make a portrait of David Yow and email it with the subject line "I'll trade for it." This option gets you five tickets.
3. "I will have this portrait on my wall." This one is for people who really, really want it: forward a receipt proving that you bought Yow's new record. This option is smart because even if you don't win, you've got the record. This option gets you ten tickets in the raffle, but you'll get 15 if you send a receipt and a portrait.
4. "I must have it." If you really, really, really want it, buy the record, and this record, and forward the receipt with the subject heading "I MUST have it!!!!" This will land you 30 tickets, and if you send a portrait as well, you will be given 40 tickets, dwarfing the chances of those poor souls who merely sent an email that you--yes, you--will be the subject of Mr. Yow's portrait.
5. "I'll pay $100K for it." If you send a check to Joyful Noise, for $100K and it actually clears, you'll be flown out to Indiana, met at the airport by David and a mariachi band, and over the next two or three days David will produce a life-size sculpture of you in a style and material of his choosing.