Dear Vincent Gallo

Welcome to the newest installment of a yet-to-be-titled series of open letters by New Zealand's foremost mail enthusiast, Reuben P. Bonner. 

Dear Vincent,

Greetings on this beautiful morning and, also, best wishes from across the oceans.

I am writing to you with regard to some of the great services you run from your merchandise website, www.vgmerchandise.com.

Mainly:

a) Your male escort service offering “one night with Vincent Gallo for $50,000.”

And

b) The item titled “Vincent Gallo’s Sperm” priced at one million dollars.

Even though it looks like you have had this service available for a number of years, my associate Kathryn only recently alerted me to it. As I have a keen interest in current affairs she suggested I get in touch with you to find out the finer details for interest’s sake. So as to not string you along, I should mention straight up that neither Kathryn nor I will be making a semen purchase today, purely because we cannot afford the very reasonable rate of one million dollars.

Nor will we be using your escort service of one night with Vincent Gallo for $50,000 even though I am sure it is worth every damn penny. This is purely a letter of interest for information as I really am just a curious person. I hope you will oblige with a detailed reply if you have the time.

How has the store been going? Many nibbles in regard to the semen? Also, is the price in US currency? I assume it is, but it’s always better to just ask.

I bet a good looking man such as yourself - with the reputation of having an excellent penis - would have no issues with attracting enough business to keep the wolves from the door. You are well known for showing your penis in the cult film The Brown Bunny and I’ve heard it’s well-sized.

Coincidentally, have you seen the 2011 hit film Shame starring Michael Fassbender? He also has a thoroughly impressive penis available for perusal in that film. I can imagine that if you two ever met up in a nightclub it would be a really good discussion point. Especially if you came across each other in the bathroom. I bet there would be a lot of mutual respect going on there.

Have you ever thought about trying to set up a celebrity semen exchange? You could get a really good bank going on if you found the right candidates with a willingness to contribute, and it would be a great way to expand the business. Imagine if you got Fassbender’s semen! Richard Gere’s, Antonio Banderas’, Ryan Grosling’s? The opportunities are basically endless.

Is your semen available to customers worldwide, or just the Americas? And if so, how do you transport it? I would hope you have some kind of classy setup like a carved wooden jewellery box with a chilled interior. Or a hip flask with your initials engraved on it would be a great way to deliver the product. Do you include the delivery costs in the fee?

While I think the price you are charging is very reasonable, I personally would hope to walk away something a little bit more substantial than a cup (or container) of semen if I was going to spend a million dollars. Maybe a coastal rental property or shares in a restaurant or bar in an up and coming part of town. But each to his own, eh Vincent? There’s no accounting for what people will spend their money on these days (pun intended).

For curiosity’s sake, I did some research on the Internet and found out that when priced per litre, your semen is one of the most expensive substances on earth.

As a guide:

Pyrophosphatase (a enzyme used in medical science) is supposedly the most expensive liquid in the world at 60,000,000 Euro for 1 litre.

Scorpion venom is worth about 30,000,000 Euro for 1 litre.

So I think, depending on the quantities you are offering, your price per litre is definitely up there with the worlds most expensive, and therefore most coveted.

Supply and demand though eh Vincent!

As a sidenote, things like LSD, black printer ink and Chanel No. 5 are also pretty pricey for your average consumer.

Vincent, I have run out of time to go into the topic too much further or ask about the finer details of your $50,000 a night escort service. The café I am currently in is playing such depressing music I feel like I will blow my head off if I stay here too much longer, but if you have the time to reply we can keep the dialogue going.

Hope this finds you well and successful in all your endeavours.

Regards,

Reuben P. Bonner

Previously - Dear Damien Hirst