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      Death To Roaches

      December 1, 2004
      OK, so maybe not everyone is going to want to eat roaches to dispose of them (pussies). Some of you are going to need contraptions and gizmos to take care of your dirty work for you. We asked a few geniuses we just so happen to know to design us roach-killing machines. We also told them all that the winner would get a thousand bucks, no bullshit.

      Click photos to enlarge.
       
      RUNNER UP
      Artist Jim Krewson made this monster called the Rogina. The thing is, roaches love pussy. There are no fag roaches. So when they see this soft furry vag undulating back and forth (which it actually does), they're like moths to a flame. Then they get sucked right up that long pink tube there and spat into a food processor that hides behind the bait that is the Rogina.

      This one would have won if we were going purely on aesthetics. Unfortunately, we needed functionality too, and the Rogina just wasn't sucking hard enough.

      Click here to see the Rogina's seductive moves.
         
      Artist Meredith Danluck came up with this booby-trapped burger. The best part is that it spits the roaches down into your neighbor's apartment.
         
      David Choe sent the amazing Cockroach Jihad here. You stun a roach by getting it semi-frozen, then glue a tiny bomb to its back. Then you just let the little bastard loose and wait until you think he is back in his house with all his shitty roach friends. That's when you detonate the bomb, taking them all out at once.
         
      Vice comics artist Marc Bell came up with this gem, a remote-controlled dog-shaped guy who sucks in and chops up roaches and their eggs, then shits these sterilized little chips out of his back (you can just vacuum those up).
         
      Devin Flynn made this little vive la France influenced death monger. You just slide a tasty little piece of spoiled garbage or whatever on the front there, the roach hustles down the tube to get it, you drop the back flap to lock him in place, and then BLAM! Down comes the fucking Grim Reaper.
         
      We asked the Japanese artist Tomoo Gokita to draw us a roach-killing machine and this is what he sent. Umm, it's really cool, Mr. Gokita, but maybe you need to get a new translator. Ain't shit getting killed there.
         
      Sort of like Gokita, Sophie didn't really invent a machine here. On the other hand, she is a Crumb and can therefore do whatever she pleases.
         
      FIRST PRIZE
      We had to give it to this guy, because it's one of the few inventions we got that actually works. It's cheap, easy to make, easy to refill and, most importantly, it's girl-friendly. Here's what the inventor, Vinny Barbarino (not sure why he used a fake name) told us:

      "My girlfriend is petrified of roaches. Personally, I have no problem just stamping on them, scraping up the remains with a tissue and then tossing the whole mess in the toilet (you have to flush them because sometimes squishing them just pushes out the eggs and you end up with a thousand where you only had one). But one time my girl called me, freaking out and insisting I come home to get one that was just sitting there, not moving. He wasn't scared of her and had no problems walking up to the couch where she was sitting. I told her to put a salad bowl on him and I'd take care of it when I got back. Which I did (BTW she had put a fucking brick on top of the bowl like he was some kind of super-roach that was going to lift the thing and walk away). Then it occurred to me, by burning a hole in the top of the bowl and wedging a can in there that sprays down, we could make a little poison dome that would kill the thing without anyone having to touch it. Then you just use a card and scrape it up and plop it in the toilet. Depending on how much of a sadist you are, you could really watch him squirm on the way down. So, yeah, the roach dome works great, and it's good for women and really gay gays too."

      How the roach dome was invented.

       

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      Topics: roaches, cockroach jihad

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