Apr 9 2012
Seeing as this past weekend was the super-huge double-whammy of religious-based festivals commemorating 1.) Jesus returning from the dead to devour the souls of the living, and 2.) our Jewish pals fleeing Egypt before they even had a chance to let their various breads rise because God was about to unleash ten badass plagues of fury onto the Egyptians—it seemed best to take things easy this week. So instead of a long-winded intro, here's a video of born-again dickhead Kirk Cameron getting ooh so close to just out-and-calling Obama “the new Hitler.”
That smug look at 1:04 after he says “hope”—thinking he got one past the liberals while his conservative brethren all cracked his hate-filled code—and that condescending pause right around 1:20 where he wipes his lips and pauses in order to carefully construct the following sentence because he doesn't want crazy people writing in and saying that he's saying Obama is Hitler, even though that's exactly what he's doing? That's enough of a reason to hate religion this week.
Onto the roundup!
- Remember the days when hick politicians were simply trying to force gals into looking at ultrasounds before they decided to get an abortion? Seems downright quaint next to this ass-fuck of a bill winding its way through Arizona, which will basically define life as two weeks before the woman is pregnant, aka the date of her last period. This legal mumbo-jumbo clears a hurdle that will allow abortions to be banned after 20 weeks, a new record! Don't move to Arizona, is the gist of this story.
- Xavier University, one of the oldest Roman Catholic colleges in America and annual “Cinderella” pick in your office March Madness bracket, announced that in June it will cut off birth control coverage for its employees.
- A suicide bomber in northern Afghanistan killed at least 12 people. Meanwhile, in Somalia, a female suicide bomber and member of Islamist militants al-Shabab killed 10 during a speech by the country's Prime Minister.
- A small explosive device was detonated outside of a Wisconsin Planned Parenthood clinic.
- Gunter Grass, the badass-ly named German Nobel literature laureate—a title which, you know, means his writing is to be taken seriously—released a poem that warns of a nuclear-armed Israel wiping out Iran and starting an apocalyptic world war. The Israeli people, as you'd imagine, didn't take kindly to this, officially declaring him “persona non grata.”
- After arresting 13 Islamist militants last week, France went raid-crazy again and threw another 10 behind bars. These raids are in reaction to last month's crazy shooting spree.
- Jersey Governor Chris Christie, a fat man who hates gay people, went to Israel to touch walls, don beanies, and have photos taken of him while reading scripture.
- The north section of Mali is now under the control of Tuareg, a group of separatist rebels, who have among their ranks a whole bunch of Islamist radicals who want to instill sharia law throughout the region.
- Andrew Sullivan wrote a must-read essay about how out of step the original teachings of Jesus are with the horrific state of Christianity in our political system today.
- Time to throw out your Megadeath CDs everyone, Dave Mustaine is both a Rick Santorum-backer and lunatic birther conspiracist.
- Fullerton Union High School, in the deeply rich-and-conservative Orange County area of Southern California, kicked a gay student out of their jokey “Mr. Fullerton” pageant after he said he was in favor of same-sex marriage.
- Just a hop skip and a jump away in Corona, a pastor for the Heart of Worship Ministry was arrested for teaching a 13-year-old “a lesson” by pepper-spraying him, beating him with a shovel, and forcing him to dig his own grave. That's some Old Testament learnin' there.
- The Mormons, already “thumbing the scales” of their recruiting numbers by baptizing post-alive people, are now apparently marrying off dead people in some kind of weird afterlife RPG.
- A 54-year-old church volunteer in Colorado diddled a 14-year-old girl.
- Iowa Rep. Steve King (R) basically told gay people that if they don't want to be discriminated against they should shut up about their gayness, already
- A Northern Irish priest accidentally shared a 16-photo PowerPoint presentation of gay porn to a group of parents preparing for their children's First Holy Communion ceremony.
- And finally, our Hero of the Week: In a shocking development, this week it's an actual man of the cloth himself, Reverend Tom Tate of Portland's United Methodist Church, who put this great sign on the church's official old-fashioned billboard, a place generally reserved for old-fashioned bigotry and general Jesus distortions: “God Prefers Kind Atheists Over Hateful Christians.”
Previously - Come On Out
AssMatrix.com Analyzes the Asses of the Masses
Should We Televise the Trials of Famous Murderers?
Having a Tibetan Sky Burial Means Birds Will Slowly Eat Your Corpse
I Had to Survive London Fashion Week on Free Gifts Alone
The Scottish Independence Campaign Lost Because It Didn't Win Over Glasgow's Poor
Time-Travel Movies Are Garbage
Cambodian Surf Rockers Were Awesome, but the Khmer Rouge Killed Them
I Dressed Like an Idiot at Fashion Week to See How Easy It Is to Get Street-Snapped
The Ultimate Basic Bitch Tournament
The Future of Our Gay Neighborhoods