Perhaps you've made the smart decision to live on a rented private isle of tranquility during this unrelentingly annoying election buildup. Then maybe you haven't noticed that Republicans have been spending the past few months getting all up in the business of constituent vag.
And not in the normal “putting penises in” way we've come to expect from our elected officials, but in more of a “women shouldn't be allowed to decide for themselves what goes on in their strange and musty caves of mystery.” It's actually tough to keep track of which states are trying to pass which anti-female measures–here's a worthwhile map of measures that have either been passed or are wriggling through state assemblies, if you're looking to ruin your mood this morning–but the general thought process is the same: God wants us men to keep tabs on women and what they do with their filthy vaginas.
And, as Daily Kos noticed this past week, some heroines are helping this process along by letting their gory details be known. They've taken to the Facebook Wall of Virginia state senator Ryan McDougle—one of the key men behind Virginia's poon warfare bill—and shared updates about their own hoo-has. Among the best:
"You know, Senator, I've wished all my life that a man would know more about my own vaginal issues than I do, and now you're here! So here it goes, during my last period, I had to use the Super tampons because I had some chunky blood issues. You know, that pesky uterus and all. Maybe you could tell my uterus that all the blood will ooze out in its own time, and not to rush itself into shooting clots out every month. Also, I find it very inconvenient that I wake up in a pool of my own blood on the first and second days of my period. Maybe you can help a sister out?"
Now, these posts are all fine and good, and obviously hilarious, but it's time to take these to the next level. Sure, Facebook posts cause a bit of a commotion, but they're easily scrubbed by assistants before getting to the rep's eyes. Instead, seeing as GOP reps in a whole bunch of states want to know everything about your vaginas, why not head over to USA.gov and do a quick search for the contact information for your local elected official? Or hey, here's a bunch of phone numbers of Virginia state representatives right there for your use. And look, here's a whole listing of email addresses for representatives in Pennsylvania. Information is easy to find on the Internet!
With that info available at your fingertips, time to keep the GOP abreast of your vaginal goings-on. Perhaps a monthly update of exactly how much blood is heading out? Or a list of nicknames you give your discarded uterine linings? Hell, maybe even pre-flush photographic evidence will help whatever information they want to find. No one's quite sure exactly what they specifically want to know, beaver-speaking, so better send it all in.
Onto the roundup!
- Last week, Garry Trudeau's Doonesbury comic focused on the abortion debate in Texas. Most newspapers, obviously, removed the strip entirely or simply relegated it to their “opinion” page as not to offend the queasy sensibilities of their readers. Since you can find the strip with a quick Google search, I'm instead just going to link to the Taiwanese animation take on it because, why not?
- Speaking of the ultrasound/abortion nonsense going on, Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett, who supports the measure, sure did step in it this week when he suggested if the terrible women getting abortions don't want to look at the results from the mandatory ultrasounds, well, then why don't they just shut up and close their eyes and stop whining al-goddamn-ready?
- Just kind of following his conservative values to their obvious end, Rick Santorum, of course, said he wants to ban the distribution of hardcore porn in America.
- Time to throw another state up on the ol' Great American Map of Assbackwards Thinking. This week it's Wisconsin, whose Assembly passed bills that will require schools to use the abstinence-only approach to teaching about sex and also further limit how abortions are covered on insurance.
- Boko Haram, the sect of jihadist terrorists running rampant throughout Nigeria, have reportedly killed more than 1,200 people over the past three years.
- During a memorial service in Afghanistan for the 16 villagers killed by a U.S. soldier last week, Taliban insurgents opened fire and killed one Afghan soldier.
- Another week, another Tibetan monk pulls the ol' self-immolation protest in China. This one was a 20-year-old and becomes the 30th death over the past year.
- In the wake of “Vatileaks,” the lazily-created slang term for the series of internal memos and confidential documents showcasing how incredibly corrupt the Vatican is, the Pope launched a criminal probe to find the rat.
- Here's a quiz: If I told you an American state authorized selling state-approved specialty license plates that feature the phrase “one state under God,” which one do you think it'd be?
- Back in 1969, the Scientology-run magazine Advance! released an article about how life is going to be in the far-away future year of 2010. Among the “groovy changes”? Totally being done with this ridiculous “Earth” thing and moving to our rightful planet Mothar.
- Turns out, the “2007 Outstanding Citizen of the Year” and “2012 Distinguished Preacher” has a rap sheet for trying to grab an undercover officer's junk in a forest preserve.
- Updating the link I highlighted last week regarding the “emo-looking” youths who've been getting stoned to death in Iraq for being devil worshippers (a designation they get for listening to rock music and wearing their hair a little differently), the total of estimated deaths has risen dramatically from 14 to 58.
- In a kind of hilarious bait-and-switch, a religious band called Junkyard Prophet was hired to perform for an Iowa high school assembly to doll out some rockin' lessons about why it's not OK to bully other students. Turns out, though, Junkyard Prophet then went ahead and said it can be all right, you know, if you're bullying the gays, because of Jesus 'n' all.
- 29% of likely GOP voters in Bible-rific Mississippi think interracial marriage should be illegal.
- Pandering Mitt Romney panders on about getting rid of Planned Parenthood, because that's what his CPU told him to do.
- And finally, our Hero(es) of the Week go to Timothy Tross and Ben Clifford, who went to a Rick Santorum rally at the Christian Liberty Academy in suburban Chicago, got the crowd's attention, and started an intense protest make-out sesh. Nicely done, gents.
Previously - Religion Hearts Newborn Penii