# Math Is Not Right

## Dogmageddon

Hypothetical question for you: Let's say you're at home at night, nothing going on, and you just settle in for a session of “solo pleasuring action.” And lo, right across the street, beckoning with sporadically-sparkling red neon lights, is an Adult Superstore, the kind you'd find on a Midwest highway in the middle of nowhere. So you have a few beers, and head on over to pick up a dildo or Fleshlight or whatever genital stimulator is your preference, along with some pornography in old-school magazine form, since it reminds you of your youth. The two pieces of paraphernalia, together, cost a total of \$110. The genital stimulator costs \$100 more than the porn. So, math time: How much does the porn cost?

If you answered \$10, you're probably a Jesus freak. If you said \$5, odds are you're a godless heathen.

At least those are the findings from a recent study in Science magazine. (Albeit, with a bit more family-friendly scenario.) The conclusion drawn from said study is that those who answered \$10 are more intuitive people, folks who “think with their gut,” like George W. Bush and others who are reportedly “fun to have a beer with.” These are the religious types. Meanwhile, the \$5 peeps solve their problems analytically, thinking a bit more deeply about the problem, not just jumping to conclusions.

It should be pointed out, this isn't a problem with two answers, nor is it a Rorschach test. \$5 is really the only answer, if you're worried about answering correctly. So, instead of “intuitive” and “analytical,” the more accurate phrasing should be “right” and “horribly, stupidly wrong.”

Newt Gingrich believes in America and the Constitution. Newt Gingrich believes all Americans have certain unalienable rights that must be upheld. Newt Gingrich wants all North Carolinians to vote for an initiative that will clearly define marriage as being between a man and a woman. Newt Gingrich has been married 49 times.

- In Nigeria, a suicide bomber detonated a car near the office of a major newspaper, killing seven in the process. No group has yet claimed responsibility, but it mirrors the other Islamist militant suicide bombings that have been happening in the area.

- A tangential death to throw onto the stats of the ongoing religious-fueled War on Terror: An Afghan soldier killed a U.S. service member and an interpreter.

- Urban Outfitters, who last week found themselves on the end of a nonsensical Million Moms protest for showing two ladies smooching, is now drawing the ire of the Anti-Defamation League after producing a T-shirt containing a logo that bears a passing resemblance to the Star of David.

Christians in Seoul attended a prayer meeting to try to stop the upcoming Lady Gaga concert, because it promotes “homosexual love” and all.

- In Brazil, a 27-year-old actor portraying Judas was accidentally killed during an Easter Passion play after the knot he used to hang himself was less “trick” and more “real.”

- So, this is fun. A women's prayer group has decided that the best way to get the MRFF–the Military Religious Freedom Foundation, who try to make the military a bit less Jesus-laden–to stop attacking the Lord is to get together, hold hands, and pray that the women in the group all get incurable breast cancer. At least they wrote an insane letter warning them of their intention ahead of time?

- Tennessee state representative Jeremy Faison (R-eally big asshole) looked at the problem of homosexual child suicides, firmly placed the bullying aspect in his blind-spot, and blamed the gay kids for not having strong enough values to determine that suicide isn't right. That's your definition of “blaming the victim,” right there.

In Pakistan, a 12-year-old boy was tortured to death by his Quran teachers.

- In Syria, a suicide bomber blew himself up across the street from a mosque and killed 10.

- The Catholic Church has written to every England-based Catholic-funded secondary school–that's “high school” here across the pond–to encourage their students to sign a petition against gay marriage. Even more radical, to stop the spread of the gays in Britain, the pope called for Muslims and Jewish folks to put aside their pesky little differences (i.e., which is the true God) and band together to form a super-group of anti-gay hate.

- This might certainly be one of those “reading the tea leaves” moments for the upcoming election: Mitt Romney has been asked to deliver the commencement address at Liberty University, largest Evangelical Christian school in the world and brainchild of the late (thankfully) Jerry Falwell. However, since Mitt's a Mormon, students are none too pleased they'll have to listen to this non-Christ-believer blather on-and-on at their graduation.

- Last week, the Senate voted to renew the Violence Against Women Act, a law that spends money on services to help stop the spread of violence against women (and now, offers added protection to American Indians and homosexuals). So, yeah. That's good. The legislation passed 68-31. Those 31 who voted against it, well, they all happened to be male Republicans.

-And finally, our Heroes of the Week: Negin Farsad and Dean Obeidallah, who're working on a documentary film called The Muslims are Coming! It's about a group of Muslim-American comedians (Farsad and Obeidallah, included) who are touring the country–including, yes, the scary parts–to try to dull the edges of Islamophobia with their jokes.

Previously - Horror Screenplay