Dogmageddon

Your Pocket Guide to Morality

By Rick Paulas

This past Tuesday was a bit of a mixed bag for everyone. On one side of the Great Scales of Morality was the decision by the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals to validate Judge Vaughn R. Walker’s 2010 ruling that Proposition 8—the California amendment taking away same-sex couples’ right to marry, a fly in the ointment of an otherwise transcendent 2008 election—was bullshit. On the other end of the ledger, that night was met by news that evangelical GOP candidate Rick Santorum—who had, earlier in the day, issued a response condemning the activist 9th Circuit Court and their activist ways—had swept the three Republican caucuses in Minnesota, Missouri, and Colorado, vaulting him to the number two spot for the Presidential nomination behind Mitt Romney. 

The two events are not unrelated. Few things get the evangelical Christian sect into a tizzy quite like gay people wanting to marry other gay people, so there’s a possibility Tuesday night’s heavily religious turnout was, at least in some small part, in direct response to the ruling in California. But the question remains, why do Christians care so much about gay marriage?

For the abortion debate, you can kind of understand the Christian position. (That is, as long as you can get past the whole “let’s keep women from being able to control their own bodies” blatantly sexist angle which, you know, it totally is.) Nobody likes going out and getting abortions. It’s not a fun thing. The women getting one, or potential father comforting her, isn’t throwing a party because of it. Even if you can’t connect to the evangelicals religiously, you can understand the argument emotionally. But for gay marriage, an event where all participating are having a jolly time, the reason to come out against it is a bit unclear.

The general opposition falls into three major categories:

1. People who think that children need both a mother and father. Which, why not then come out against divorce?

2. People who say that allowing gays to marry introduces a slippery slope, and soon people will be getting hitched to their dogs and/or favorite Burger Kings. (The most recent example of this asinine reasoning was just last week, when a Washington Representative pointed to the Jack in the Box Super Bowl ad featuring a man marrying bacon as evidence of what will happen if gays start marrying.)

3. “The Bible says so” folks.

My own pet theory is that Christian organizations traditionally get most of their funding from the genetic pyramid scheme of mothers and fathers passing their religions down to their sons and daughters, who follows suit, on and on. And you can’t mass a religious army like the 21-person Duggar clan if you don’t have the egg/sperm combo happening.

That last Biblical directive reasoning? Instead of attacking it head-on, as a service to all, I’ve decided to make this easy-to-follow pocket flowchart. Print it out, laminate it if you’d like, and carry it around in your wallet whenever a particular moral dilemma enters your life. It will never lead you astray: 

Simple, right?

Onto the roundup!

- “Jewish Indiana Jones,” who traversed the world to rescue scrolls from the Torah, pled guilty to defrauding the charity set up for such scripture-saving expeditions of nearly $1 million.

- A federal law that forces faith-based organizations (but not churches, mind you) to cover birth control services in their health care coverage got every evangelical angry, including Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas, who is apparently the Tebow of the NHL. (Here’s an awesome Taiwanese animation to bring you up to speed.) But then Obama “compromised” (i.e., realized pulling these shenanigans are perhaps best saved for a non-election year and backed down) and everyone kind of calmed down for a bit. 

- Virginia passed a bill that basically keeps LGBT folks from adopting children.

- Michelle Bachmann’s home district in Anoka, Minnesota is as you’d imagine (a) super-evangelical; (b) super-gay bashing.

- Tibetan protestors in China continue to light themselves on fire like cah-razy.

- That tweet from Kim Kardashian last week about wanting to start up her own Bible study group? Apparently that’s because she wants to bang Tim Tebow real bad.

- Looks like Team Santorum sent out Hanukah cards last December with quotes from the Jesus

- While we’re mentioning the legalization of gay marriage in Christian-dominated America, perhaps it’s time to take stock and remember that being a homosexual in Muslim-dominated countries is fucking horrendous.

- Speaking of, super-Christian Uganda re-introduced an anti-gay bill into their legislation, but this time taking out the death penalty clause in it.

- In Soviet Russia, television watches you! Or at least that what it’ll feel like after Putin calls for more religious-based programming on television!

- A Muslim man in Canada has been having a terrible year after he tried to amp up his colleagues for an upcoming trade show by texting that they were going to “blow away” the competition.

- Congress gives the go-ahead for more drone missile attacks, said drones take out ten suspected militants in Pakistan

- Islamist militant group Al-Shabab kills at least 15 in a car bombing outside a café.

- Not all was bad: When the terrible members of the Westboro Baptist Church got their tires slashed after protesting a military funeral, the entire town refused to help them.

- Here’s a great, yet harrowing, read about what it’s like to be an atheist in rural America

- Someone went out and made a Tumblr combining artistic interpretations of the Jesus and speech bubble quotes from his followers. The results, as you’d imagine, are quite bonkers.

- And finally: Our hero of the week is State Senator Constance Johnson of Oklahoma, who added a small protest amendment of her own to a bill in her state seeking to define life as the moment of conception (which, you know, would lead to all sorts of anti-choice laws). Her addition: “[A]ny action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.” Which means no masturbating of any kind. Well done, Senator! 

Previously - God (Still) Hates Boobs

 

@RickPaulas

Please send religious-based tips and/or hate mail to rickpaulas at gmail dot com. 

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