Dos & Don'ts

When you’re over 25, you’re ready for a bit of droop factor in the tit department. Not sagging weasel heads but a cute little-brown nippled “fuck you” to the world of fake tits. Some girls know that and they send out secret boob messages from inside their jean jackets that make you want to buy a motorbike to take them on dates.

Fifteen years ago you were laughing at these girls in the hallway yet kind of thinking to yourself, “This doesn’t feel quite right. What kind of nerd is funny enough to have a hat that says ‘Horny and Hairless’?” Now you’re all grown up and you’re like, “Wait, you guys are amazing?” and they’re all, “Fuck you, nigga. You snooze, you lose.”

OK, from now on it’s about getting dressed wasted. That’s when you come up with shit like a Confederate-flag do-rag and zebra Zoobas or an embroidered yarmulke with a sex-positions skeleton shirt or yellow rubber boots with “George Bush engineered 9/11!” written on them in bubble letters.

See? It’s not rocket science. Bangs, minimal makeup, revealing top, ass-flattering pants, and then some basic nonsandal staples like high heels, Chucks, or even fucking cowboy boots. If you really love to shop you can buy an expensive bag or something, but making us horny for you costs about sixty bucks total.

If you’re a seven-foot-tall black man with Superman legs and an attack dog and you’re into really young chubby chicks, you need to take down the scary factor a little bit by dressing up like a cheery bowl of candies. That’s their Achilles’ heel.

A lot of people criticize the founders of

Vice

for being too old to run a “youth culture” company, but I don’t know. I feel pretty good about myself.

One of the most important rules about being magic (not an illusions guy but literally magic) is that you can’t do it out in public where humans can see you. Unless, of course, you could give two shits what people think, and if you want to make an invisible chair appear under your ass you’re going to make an invisible chair appear under your ass. That’s called “fuck-off attitude” magic.

This guy’s ex-girlfriend kept trying to get us to put him in the DON’Ts because apparently he looks like a homeless Willy Wonka, but fuck that. When you work this hard on your look it shows that you’re not too cool for school, you’re not scared of being laughed at, and you’re here to participate, you know? He looks like Prince Pee Pee of the Discoputians or something and that’s a lot more than we can say for most people.

There’s a special group of ladies out there that like a bit of “rude business” once in a while but they can’t announce it because most guys that are into delivering said rudeness are creeps. That’s the great thing about bruises. They are a silent wink to smart guys that says, “If you’re decent, I’d really like you to come over and do some pretty mean shit to me.”

What is it about girls dressed as boys for Halloween that makes them even more feminine than if they had a dress on? I don’t know if it’s because it shows femininity is irrepressible, or maybe it’s because I’m secretly a fag, but whatever it means, get that fucking beard between my thighs right now.

It’s cool to like poor people when they get older but right now, in their 20s it’s kind of hard to deny they are fucking losers. The way they dress at clubs with their fake tans and gelled hair and stupid expensive drinks they can’t afford. Who wouldn’t prefer some well-educated middle-class kids that know how to goof around in stupid outfits that took about five minutes to get together? It’s profoundly uncool to admit, but come on.

We showed this picture to a girl and said “Humanah humanah, eh?” and she got all mad and said, “How can you like these girls? That Paris Hilton dress on the left was all over

Us Weekly

.” So we said, “Yeah!” and pretended to give a flying fuck what a magazine for fat people at the airport says.

We were at the park, minding our own business and trying to be kind, when these semiretarded homeless people sat right in front of us and began a 13-stage massage thing that involved so many inferred sexual positions it was like watching ugly porn. Can Katrina not come back through here and just do some quick spot sweeps?

What is it with these flip-flop guys where they’re so smug and toe proud? They’re like those small-dicked men at the nude beach that want to come over, put a towel down on the chair next to you, and tell you about the giant turtle they saw. Get your disgusting male nudeness out of my face or I’m going to step on it.

You know when you’re traveling and you end up hanging with someone like this because he’s the only guy around that likes partying and when you’re really wasted you give him your address back home and decide you’re going to be buds forever and then he comes to visit you a few months later and you’re like, “How the fuck did I ever put up with this gay geriatric cokehead?”

I don’t mind that she’s breast-feeding strangers in bars. That’s gross, but it’s not my problem. The real bummer about this is when she gets home and starts feeding her real babies and they’re all blinking their eyes confused, wondering why there’s Hennessy juice all over their mother’s tits.

Can you believe there’s still shitheads out there wearing trucker hats?

After I took this picture, I turned to this old Italian dude next to me and quipped, “What is this, a mob hit?” And he smiled and said, “Can you email me that picture? That’s my son.” And I go, “Yeah, we’re going to put him in this thing called the DOs and DON’Ts and I’ll say something like ‘Maybe immigrants ARE doing jobs Americans won’t do, I mean, LOOK at this guy!’” And he goes, “Actually my father is a hard-working immigrant from Sicily and my son has just returned from hockey camp where he plays with kids three years older than him and he’s very tired and blah blah blah,” and I’m thinking, “Does everyone in the world have a pickle up their ass?”

Speaking of Italian pieces of trash, what is with them and the tanning shit these days? They look like fucking mud wrestlers the way they slather it all over their faces like the guy in

Team America World Police

. Are they that jealous of Pakis?

I think about 96 percent of the population knows that club dancing is used to simulate some kind of sex act that you’re supposed to try out for real after you get home. So why the fuck is this guy letting a woman “freak” him? Does he want to take her home and stuff her cunt in his ass?

I asked a black guy what is it with black guys and those weird cyber earphones that make them look like they’re on

Babylon 5

and he said, “I don’t know. Maybe it’s like having the latest shit.” Apparently the latest shit is making people feel embarrassed for you.

Lady, you’re old. I’m sorry. I know

The New York Times

told you it was OK to hide your turkey neck in $300 scarves and dress like a cokewhore from thecobrasnake.com, but your 20s left you half a fucking century ago. Fuck. I can’t wait until this generation is out of our hair for good.