Dos & Don'ts

Anyone who’s seen lastnightsparty.com or thecobrasnake.com has probably noticed there are a lot of drunk horny chicks at parties in New York and LA. While a few half-assed homos are tapping this newly discovered resource by taking fancy cameras to every bar in town, the more industrious horndogs are tapping this newly discovered ass by affixing elaborate sex toys to their cameras and literally fucking shit up.

If your face looks like a wrinkled penis with warts on it, you have to be creative about how you catch a glimpse of boobs. Sometimes a ukulele serenade and a good leer is the only hope a dickface has.

You may have noticed examples of belt pride, where Midtown jocks stuff the front of their oversize Jerry Seinfeld dress shirts into the front of their pants, or the black equivalent, where sneaker-proud hip-hop fans cram the fronts of their cuffs into the laces of their spotless dunks, but how about some panty pride up in this bitch?

Ever since Puma made the “sport stub,” which looks exactly the same from front to back, girls with stubs for feet have been wearing 360

º

skirts and blazers that have no front. The effect is especially convincing when they comb their hair over their face, but as soon as they start hobbling along on those silly little stumps you’re like, “Hey, that person walks funny.”

There is a certain je ne sais quoi about a bon vivant that knows how to enjoy a good evening of Beaujolais. Sure, they may miss the odd rendezvous and they are not exactly renowned for their pugilism, but what would the world be without these jolly old souls?

We met these three outside Maria Shriver’s birthday party trying to stick a piece of toast up another girl’s butt. Are you guys getting the secret theme of this issue yet?

This guy fucks babies in the ass and then sticks them in his mother’s cunt because he has AIDS.

Thanks to the huge influx of gays and lesbians recently, androgynous is in. Girls wear jeans and vests and guys wear faggy little jumpsuits like they’re saucy little bitches until we’re like, “I don’t know if I want to suck it or fuck it.”

It was a fad that began with dancers, but now making clothes out of your birth color is the new “Look at me, you fucking asshole.”

The EPMD mantra of “You gots to chiiilll” is a healthy attitude to have in this stress-laden age, but pissing your pants? There’s nothing laid-back about having itchy legs no matter how late you slept in.

Mothers need to stop dressing up their kids as goombah hitmen with gambling problems. There’s nothing cute about catching AIDS from a prostitute.

It’s fun to dress up as a pimp, and we’re all experts at ignoring what really goes on in that world—which is why it ruins everything when you pound your wife’s eye shut and whack her on the leg so hard she has cane marks.

Whoa, whoa, guy. It sucks that you don’t have arms but blaming it on the gay community is like blaming it on the rain. You have to take responsibility sometimes for all the drugs your mom did when she was pregnant.

Hey lady, you may want to take it a little easy on the accessories. You’re supposed to take one thing off before you go out, not throw on a hat, two wigs, fingerless gloves, an arm ribbon, some tiger-skin Speedos, and pubic hair shaved into the word “Hey-o!”

Someone needs to tell all West Asians that we are not that freaked out by them and that nobody’s going to drag them behind a truck for not believing in Jesus Christ. Take it fucking easy with the local patriotism. Also, for the record, high-heeled shoes are a girl/fag thing.

Nudity works if your ass isn’t covered in zits, but if it looks like you sat on an ass covered in zits that were painted red so they’d come off on your ass, you may want to take it easy on the butt and just flash that stupid idiot your tits.

The pimped-out look has gone from a few ostentatious touches of fur and gold to a little kid who went into his parents’ closet when his mom went away with her new boyfriend and his dad forgot to pick him up because he thought next weekend was his weekend.

This is a free country and you should be able to read any book you want, but flaunting David Duke’s

Jewish Supremacism

in a laundromat is a little rich, especially when you don’t even understand English.

The older men get, the more twisted their methods of picking up young girls. Now they’re trying to trigger some Pavlovian response by dressing as Captain Fucking Boner from kids’ shows in the 80s.

Hey guy, we love scary shit as much as the next guy, but a werewolf tattoo? Where is this, Burundi? There has to be a line drawn somewhere in the sand, especially with the arm thing going across his skirt and her crazy Brazilian legs like it’s the Bongo-Bongo police all over again. .