Are you over 18?
Mar 31 2011
Dir: Joyce James
We are quickly approaching the two-year mark of me not giving a shit that Michael Jackson is dead. Next year will be exactly 30 years since Thriller was released, the last time I slightly cared about him. As far as I’m concerned, Michael Jackson died the day he got his first zit. That beautiful black baby boy who sang for Guy Mariano’s part in Video Days, that was someone I’d shed a tear for. Not the mutant cartoon character who supposedly took one too many goofballs with his Jesus Juice.
Mr. J, on the other hand, who plays the role of “The Hot Star” in this 1984 Thriller spoof, Driller, with his Soul Glo 80s new-wave Afro and his even-gayer-than-MJ gay mannerisms, seems like someone I could back. As the star of this Rocky Horror-esque 80-minute-long porno shot in nostalgic 35 mm he is more/less a man than Mike ever was (depending on your sexual preference). Porn spoofs are all the rage nowadays, but in 1984 I’m pretty sure no one was doing anything like this. Is setting a precedent in porn an award-worthy achievement? “In honor of the groundbreaking first POV film we award this sacred golden dildo.” I’m not sure if the grandkids will care to champion the memory of “the Rosa Parks of porn.”
I will say for the record that a lot of money was spent on the makeup and masks for this film. As a result it really looks like the Thriller video, except for all the fucking of the white women. Highlights include a really fun kung-fu-flick-ish voice-over dubbing during sex scenes that doesn’t match up with the mouth movements, and a fellow in a Nixon mask fucking girls at an orgy while making really base political jokes. “They don’t call me Tricky Dick for nothing!”
Hands down the best part of Driller is when Mr. J turns into the werewolf while fucking the lead gal and they show this mechanical, two-foot black dong that has a mind of its own and starts turning and bending in all sorts of zany, contorted ways. At the end of the scene the werewolf comes BROWN all over the girl’s stomach. It looks like his wang shits out diarrhea. I’m sure it has some sort of artistic symbolism, but it was wasted on me.
For comedy’s sake, I’m glad Driller exists. It’s more entertaining to me than anything Michael Jackson put out in his last 20-plus years of life, but I can’t help but wonder if it was really necessary to reissue this crap on DVD. Couldn’t they have just stuck it on the internet and made it free? Maybe then I wouldn’t be the only one to ever watch it.
In a semirelated/unrelated note, I’m taking the kid to Epcot Center next week. Do they still have that Captain EO ride?
More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com.
Did I Get Away with Felony Drug-Dealing Charges Because I'm White?
Yes, There Are Still People Who Believe the Earth Is Flat
Meet the Nieratkos: Skateboarding’s Most Provocative Graphics
Reasons Why Las Vegas Is the Worst Place Ever
New Orleans Middle Schoolers Are Beating the Shit Out of Artists and Gays
Autopsy Contradicts the Police's Account of Victor White III's Shooting in the Back of a Cop Car
Paris Lees: The Trans vs. Radical Feminist Twitter War Is Making Me Sick
Fifteen Years Later, 'Fight Club' Still Sucks
Neckbeard: Dungeons & Dragons Is Officially Cool Again
Genitales: An Investigation into the Dick Size of the American Male