Eurovision 2012: Like Being in a Mint Commercial With Props Donated by Drug Dealers

Over the Memorial Day weekend, a singer named Loreen from Sweden swept the Eurovision Song Contest with her hit, “Euphoria.” Her performance consisted of writhing on the floor covered in laser beams like an entrapped Catherine Zeta Jones, then getting her ass dance-kicked by a ninja in the final refrain to a tune that is basically a cover of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” It was…very European.

After watching my first Eurovision, I’m actually pretty disappointed in the lack of creativity displayed by all post-apocalyptic disco cult filmmakers of the 70s and 80s. God, it seems like they weren’t even trying. Anyway, this year in Eurovision marks several scandals and disappointments. Firstly, Baku, Azerbaijan, was the host city/country and is also the home of the 1990 Armenian genocide! Also, NOBODY WANTS TO WIN EUROVISION. Seriously. If you win Eurovision, you get the shitty privilege of hosting it the next year and having to build a football stadium that can contain hundreds of thousands of misshapen back-up dancers dressed as old-timey prison vampire bats and all their fans. With the economic decline, countries have been cringing as their songwriting representatives advance to the finals, but even crazy shit like this has serious fans, and for documentation purposes just in case this thing never happens again, we’ve culled the best of the #eurovision twitter feed from actual fans and put together a little video diary of the highlights of Eurovision 2012.

Yes, she is a bit slovenly, isn’t she… Looks like Slovenia brought their female Olympic swim team to lend a hand in back-up singing. And intimate touching.

A guy with a smiley-face twitter handle will always have a nicer way to say “genocide.”

Ukraine’s Gaitana sang a song called “Be My Guest” (not a Disney cover) that was completely without metaphor. Gaitana really just wants you to come and crash at her place! Also, THERE ARE BOOKIES???

Yeah, Chris Brown traveled to the future to pick the brains of the Swedish pop consortium, bringing back Loreen’s killer hit and thereby ensuring that America will always be #1. I originally wrote this in jest, but now I’m kind of liking the idea.

Malta’s got…feet! We’re currently regretting our decision to alphabetically categorize Black Eyed Peas next to Elvis Costello in record stores, because we’ve just made it too damn easy for Malta this year.

Man, I thought they’d be sad because those wooden shoes are crushing their feet. Malta wins again!

You’re right. That’s really, really funny. Gonna say it one more time: old-timey prison bats.

Che totally agrees with everything you’re saying right now.

It’s definitely destroying something. It used to be that Native Americans would cry when you threw trash on the road, but now…I don’t know, something about Eurotrash.

And the loser wrap-up:

When the cameras wander off the singer, you get an excellent view of the most lackluster jumps and kicks that Greece could muster. That’s my Ode to a Grecian BURN.

These weirdo 80s Madonna-dressed-as-King-Arthur twins are exactly how Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure foresaw the future would be.

Has Russia honestly sold away all of their marriageable pop stars? God, Cotton-Eyed Joe could have swept this shit.

Looks like Austria just got The Fresh Prince of Bel Air in syndication.

Never understood that “Sex on Fire” song until now.

Conclusion: USA wins competitions in which we’re not even competing. Good luck at the Olympics, Europe.

@AWolfeful