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Filibustin' with Willie D - Pedophiles Should Get Pounded

Pedophiles shouldn't get to go to prison and get raped. They might like it.

There are no human beings more reprehensible and debased in this world than those bastards who abuse children. I’ll never forget the time I saw a little six-year-old boy get manhandled while I was waiting in line at the Marble Slab Creamery with my five-year-old daughter. We were just trying to get some scoops of the soft stuff, when this grown man, who I assume was the child’s father, wrapped his big ole hands around the neck of the boy and lifted him two feet off the ground while a woman who I assume was the child’s mother just stood back and watched. All the poor kid did was ask for a particular flavor of ice cream, and this fool just went off the deep end. He screamed, while strangling the kid, “Motherfucker, didn’t I tell you don’t ask for shit!” Man, was I hot. I walked outside, put my daughter safely inside my car, and flagged down a security officer who was making his rounds in one of those white mall pickup trucks.

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When that sorry child abuser came outside the ice cream shop, Officer Barbrady told him that I saw him putting his child in a death grip. Of course he lied and denied harming the boy. The security officer told me, “It’s just your word against his,” and let the sucker go. Then that irresponsible piece of human waste bastard told me, “I have three boys and sometimes I have to get a little rough with them. That’s the only thing they understand.”

What is it inside of us that causes us to act so hateful towards our children? Why are we not outraged to action when a child is harmed? Whether they become a healthcare liability, a menace to society, or both, one way or another the world will pay for the neglect and abuse of its children.

There are tens of millions of parents and caregivers who are in pain and don't have the patience or education in conflict resolution to handle situations like the one I saw. Compound that with the responsibility of caring and providing for a child, and the consequences can be deadly.

It’s a damn shame that people are required by law to take tests to graduate from school, drive a car, and get certain jobs, but when it comes to the most important responsibility in the world—parenting—any old, sorry, underachieving dumbass is allowed to do it. How backwards is that?

Luckily, for the sake of humanity, I have developed a foolproof strategy that will save millions annually spent on things like doctor visits, prescription drugs, and correctional and juvenile facilities due to bad parenting.

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WILLIE D’S PLAN

Anyone who wants to have children must take child development courses and a standardized test to determine if the lessons they will teach their child are likely to improve society or make it worse. If you have a child before passing the test, your child will be cared for by either a qualified relative, an approved family, or the state until your competence can be validated. If you can’t prove that you’re capable of raising kids, you don’t get to keep them.

If you are a bigot you must undergo a complete psychological transformation until you can prove that you have the sense to not damage another human being's mind with your stupid-ass, ignorant, and divisive views.

If you’re found guilty of murdering a child, you'll serve a mandatory life sentence in prison. My bad side says all child murderers should die, but I recognize the judicial system is flawed and death is irreversible. A life sentence in jail works better because it allows room for error and the opportunity to overturn those mistaken convictions.

If someone is found guilty of punching or kicking a child, a jury of their peers get to punch and kick his ass. Likewise, if someone witnesses or hears about a child being abused and fails to report it, their punishment shall be the same as the original perpetrator.

There will be zero tolerance for sexually assaulting children. Pedophiles don’t get to go to prison and get raped. They might like it. Instead, they will be put in a cage and periodically beaten for three two-minute rounds with athletic socks filled with heavy metal things by adults who were violated as children and still have psychological issues—this will all be broadcasted on pay-per-view. The beating will be part of the victim's therapy sessions and the money raised from pay-per-view will go towards preventative treatment programs and the families of victims. If the pedophile survives a few years of being beaten mercilessly, they will be sent to a remote prison with other violators to serve out a life sentence with no parole.

Children are the future, so we will all benefit from investing in the emotional stability and protection of our kids. By following this plan, people will be more compassionate towards their family members and fellow citizens than the generation before. The crime rate would also drop significantly and the number of divorces would decrease big time, thus restoring a sense of community that has eluded our society for ages.

Previously - Racism Is What Causes Riots