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Flag Day Is the Stupidest Holiday Ever

Flag Day is so stupid that I never even knew it existed until I was in my 20s. To celebrate its stupidity, we let our favorite illustrators design flags that described things and places they care about.

All holidays are stupid, but the stupidest holiday of them all is Flag Day. This holiday is so stupid that I never even knew it existed until I was in my 20s. Several countries have their own Flag Days, but Woodrow Wilson created our Flag Day in 1916 to celebrate the US flag. According to Wikipedia, three US towns that I have never heard of celebrate Flag Day with parades or fireworks. The American flag is fine, but people who love flags annoy us, so we let our favorite illustrators design flags that describe things and places they care about.

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Alex Schubert

On the Fourth of July, my friends always get dynamite. I remember blowing up a TV, a couch, and an American flag.

Stephanie Hurtado

I designed this flag for the money.

Rob Corradetti A.K.A. Killer Acid

As a kid, I was always kind of bummed that a nuclear war destroyed ALF's home planet, Melmac. ALF could never get back home because there was no home to go to. It is basically a cautionary tale for earthlings, so we will get it together. Some fun facts from the flag: ALF was born on the Lower East Side of his home planet, and lint, gravel, and foam were valuable on Melmac. I always thought it was cool that they ate cats. After ALF eventually became humanized, he became the worst kind of Melmacian, a cat lover. The episode with giant cockroaches scared the crap out of me, so I threw that on there too.

Nicholas Gazin

“I swaw all these flags and I thought, Why not me, Mawky Rawmone? So now you can buy me, Mawky, as a flag for yah frunt yahd. Awlso, buy my pawsta sauce and ice cream. And stawp by my food truck.”

-Marky Ramone

Anya Davidson

My flag is a tribute to the mythical tribe of Amazon warrior women who are represented in Greek art. I took the black-and-white star pattern and the orange color from the Greek vases featuring the warrior women. The red represents the blood of their foes. You should fly this flag if you're a woman in the midst of establishing an autonomous matriarchal republic, taking birth control, playing the electric guitar, or exercising your right to vote.

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Ines Estrada

This is the flag that is erected in the epicenter of the interdimensional good vibe zone. This space encompasses an infinite segment of our universe, and it's pretty chill. It's always fun to be there, and I try to visit as often as I can. You probably know what I'm talking about, and if you don't, man, you gotta work those good vibes if you wanna get in the zone!

James Harvey

If you’ve ever listened to Russell Brand talk politics, you know he’s harped on two major ideas in the past five or six years:

1.). REVOLUTION.

One day, he says, he’s going to fix society and demolish the government, abolishing traditional notions of patriarchy, family, and society. Cool.

2.) DON’T VOTE.

Brand will never vote because he's exhausted “from the lies, treachery, and deceit of the political class that has been going on for generations.” OK.

Brand is either the voice of a generation or incredibly influential, because guess what: Almost no one in Britain is voting, which means the right-wing nationalist group UKIP has been able to gain a massive amount of traction. Only fringe loonies are showing up to vote. That's why I made the flag I think Brand should use if his new society ever gets off the ground.

Penelope Gazin

Dat azz.