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Food Stamp Beer Reviews

By Taji Ameen, Kevin, Brayden Olson

If people are bent out of shape about about a couple of kids with poorly-spelled names using food stamps for raw honey, I wonder how apoplectic everyone's going to get when they learn that 56 of their tax dollars went toward a bunch of beer and skittles this week.

Up until recently I had always thought food stamps, aka electronic benefits, were strictly for people struggling to feed their families, the homeless, and ODB. I now know about 10 people off the top of my head who have EBT cards and are all under the age of 25 with jobs.

It never even crossed my mind that I could get them. It also never crossed my mind that I could buy beer and cigarettes with them until I watched a buddy of mine pick up a 22 of Heineken and a pouch of Drum on the government's tab.

Basically an EBT card works exactly the same as a credit card, and since receipts at most bodegas in Brooklyn aren't itemized and products in the store are never scanned (most likely because they are thieves), there is no way to tell what you actually bought. It’s all just money to them. More dollars in their pocket for bills and Sergio Tacchini warm up suits.

I'm sure there is a moral issue to buying alcohol and tobacco with my food stamps (to say nothing of having them in the first place), but I'm certainly not losing sleep over taking a little “kickback” from the taxes they've already bled out of me.

By the way, in case you were wondering what else you spend tax money on here is a Pie Chart of your tax dollars hard at work.

EBT falls under human resources, which, to be fair, occupies a significant margin of this chart but I think we can agree there is a slightly larger problem highlighted in pink.

Just the other day as I was munching on some federally-compensated Dipsy Doodles I thought of a fun idea. Since usually I just go for one or two beers on my EBT, which I think we can all agree is a totally reasonable amount, I decided to find out how much beer they would actually sell me with food stamps.

Turns out 15, which is more a limit of their brand-availability than any sort of compunction on the part of the bodega proprietor. To stick it to the Man slightly harder, I decided to follow up my shopathon by photographing each of the beers and having my underage friend Taji and his underage friend Kevin review them all, in soncsecutive fashion.

I also figured that since this idea is both completely stupid and liable to result in the revocation of my benefits, that I should probably go to Whole Foods and max out the rest of the balance on the most extravagant things I can find. This turned out to include wild-caught red snapper, oysters, organic pineapples, coconuts, oddly-shaped European crackers, and expensive cheese with names I can't pronounce. I also bought some Skittles and vegan mac 'n cheese--which is actually really fucking good if you add that cheese in there. (As I type this I am now back at work eating Top Ramen and beans for lunch, totally the pits.)

Oh and the other great thing about an EBT card is it’s a form of ID accepted almost everywhere. I actually lost my ID last year and I have been using my EBT card as my sole method of identification, I get into bars, cash checks, and I even recently flew home to Seattle with this as my only form of ID. I also used it there for food.

Anyways, enough of this EBT shit, here's a rundown of EBT-bought tall boys from my local bodega.

LABATT ICE BLACK
Alcohol Content: 5.6%

Smoothness
A little potent, but nice and light. First beer of the afternoon, very nice

 

Refreshment
Moderate, but a little syrupy. A nice quick kick to the sides of my brain though.

 

Aftertaste
A tad tart, bitter, and stale at the bottom.


BUDWEISER
Alcohol Content: 5.0%

 

Smoothness
Super smooth and watery.

 

Refreshment
Second beer and tasting great! Definitely a classic, it’s a good one after a hard day.

 

Aftertaste
Really? It’s the King of Beers


MODELLO
Alcohol Content: 6.0%

 

Smoothness
Dude, Tastes great.

 

Refreshment
Kind of heavy like this thick bitch I once did and nice bite to it.

 

Aftertaste
Heavy metal. Like the science kind, not the music kind. Although that rules (the music kind).


MILLER HIGHLIFE
Alcohol Content: 5.0%

 

Smoothness
Too smooth for words, feels like I am on a yacht

 

Refreshment
Better than water. Way cooler then the “brodelo” I drank prior

 

Aftertaste
Champagne-esque.


ASAHI
Alcohol Content: 5.2%

 

Smoothness
This one has a new bizarre feel to it. I like this! Feels like I stole it out of my dad’s fridge.

 

Refreshment
Very.

 

Aftertaste
As strong as my rod and just as smooth. However, mid-way through I had to shit, which was a buzzkill.

 

PABST
Alcohol Content: 5.0%

 

Smoothness
Soda minus the caffeine and sugar… rough

 

Refreshment
Very!!!!

 

Aftertaste
Tastes like the floor of an art show.


BALLANTINE’S XXX

 

Alcohol Content: 5.7%

 

Smoothness
It's smooth! Fuck!

 

Refreshment
Definitely a different taste, way exotic.

 

Aftertaste
Not sure, However it definitely smells a bit like a bathroom.


OLD ENGLISH “800”

Alcohol Content: 5.9%

 

FUN FACT!
OE has been praised by more rappers (however St Ides holds that title without being compensated) than every other malt liquor combined. Devotees past and present include Ice Cube, Eazy E, NWA, NAS, Beastie Boys, Alkaholics, TuPac and Dr. Dre.

 

Smoothness
I give it a 2. Tastes like bum.

 

Refreshment
Again, bum juice. Fuck Old E--unless it’s in a dollar tall can then it’s a whole other story.

 

Aftertaste
Shit and piss combined in a wine bottle.


ST. IDES
Alcohol Content: 8.2%

 

Smoothness
What the fuck is an IDES? Shit-dick smoothness.

 

Refreshment
Shit-piss refreshment.

 

Aftertaste
Not great? Feels like St. Ides somehow screwed up my taste buds.


KIRIN
Alcohol Content: 5.5%

 

Smoothness
Tastes like how it would taste if we threw up this cheese-less vegan mac and cheese from whole foods.

 

Refreshment
Not very, but semi. Very Chinatown like

 

Aftertaste
Like pussy on V-day.


LABATT BLUE
Alcohol Content: 5.0%

Smoothness
Compared to the Labatt Ice guy it’s awesome.

 

Refreshment
Dude its chill. The saint ides busted my taste buds for real, though. Everything tastes the same.

 

Aftertaste
What'd I just say?


TECATE
Alcohol Content: 5.0%

 

Smoothness
Mexican fest!!!!

 

Refreshment
Hola Señors!!!

 

Aftertaste
Like construction!!!

At this point getting a decent review out of anyone was not really in the cards. Taji was tossed and trying to get some girl to come over, (which he did--see top photo) his friend Kevin broke out in a crazy red rash and I just wanted to hurry up and get to Sway. In the end I never made it. Anyways, here's the beers we left out. Sorry, guys.


COLT 45
Alcohol Content: 6.0%


COORS
Alcohol Content: 5.0%

COORS LIGHT
Alcohol Content: 4.2%

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