Twat? I cunt hear you. I’ve got an ear infucktion. JK! The reason I’m not responding to your inquiry, even though you’re making direct eye contact with me and I can see your jaw moving up and down, is because I am wearing my ridiculous $300 Fanny Wang 3000 series noise-canceling headphones. I can’t hear shit.
When I slip them on it’s nothing but crystal clear music of my own choosing—or just white noise if I need silence when I’m editing something in the VICE Brooklyn office, which is almost always reverberating with a decibel level usually reserved for children’s birthday parties and petting zoos.
Sure, I look like a moron with two pillows taped to his head, but you know what? I’d dress like a combination of Ernest P. Worrell and Urkel for the rest of my life if it meant I could turn my hearing on and off at will. And with these fuckers, I can.
Furthermore, while I’m wearing these headphones it’s easy to pretend not to notice you when you stand there next to me babbling and asking questions you can probably answer yourself. Or, in some cases, I don’t even have to pretend because I am so in the zone it’s like I’m autistic.
Now, I know a lot of you DJs and people who (badly) sing R&B at the top of your lungs on the subway are saying, “What’s the big deal? I’ve had Beats headphones for years. This is old news.” Well, the difference is I would NEVER spend any substantial amount of money on headphones because I’m the type of guy who is still wearing T-shirts I bought in high school. I just don’t care. Maybe $20 if I was in a jam and needed them to protect my sound holes from an airplane full of toddlers, but otherwise I’m just taking whatever free pair I can snag at the office.
But now that I have them—these beautiful monstrosities sent to me free of charge by a nice lady at Fanny Wang—I have seen the way, and I’m not sure I can wear shitty headphones at work ever again. Also, I’m not really into paying for anything ever again, so all you PR people out there and weird companies I’ve never heard of clogging up my inbox all the time: Send me free shit, all the time, every day, and if it’s good enough for me to use in my daily life I will write about it somewhat positively in this column dedicated to myself selfishly and unabashedly accepting your gifts and talking about why I appreciate them but would probably never actually pay for them myself. But maybe some of our readers will.
If you send me garbage that I don’t care about, like limited-edition sneakers, I will give them to a homeless person and perhaps he or she will review them for us. JK again! But, for real, I won’t write about it. This is not a place for negativity. Also, to be clear, you can’t pay for my endorsement. That’s not what this is about. It’s just about ME getting FREE SHIT.
Send our editor-in-chief free, quality shit to the address below, and remember: If it’s something he doesn’t like, don’t expect to see it written up here. And please don’t send any follow-up emails; we hate that. Thanks!
C/O Rocco Castoro
99 N. 10th St.