The Pacific Northwest Is Your New Spring Break Destination
Mar 25 2013
So it’s March, a time when hordes of whores from universities across the globe dramatically break their pencils and Trapper Keepers and flee to tropical destinations like Florida, Mexico, and Hawaii for a week of binge drinking, awkward orgies, butt chugging, getting robbed at gunpoint, and anal-lube massages—a convergence of deviant forces better known as SPRING BREAK! But guess what? This is the year 2013, and those places are SO OVER! The new hot spot where all the cool kids go to do keg stands on stacks of cock rings is the MOTHAFUCKIN’ PACIFIC NORTHWEST! And to prove it, we enlisted Pacific Northwest bands Pony Time, the Thermals, Tacocat, and Parenthetical Girls to share pictures from their dreary, rain-soaked spring break parties, coupled with firsthand accounts of how the pros bro down.
Photo by Emily Denton
“Showing flesh at the beach is a really desperate thing to do. Lounging about in the warm sand in a bikini or penis thong is basically saying to onlookers, ‘I very much want you to look at me and care that I’m alive and ready to bestow you with a bunch of STDs you’ve never heard of. Open wide!’ So be dignified for fuck’s sake. We like to go to the beach in our best sweaters and blazers and just sit there like someone’s weird parents. Spring break isn’t about being naked and funneling beers anymore; it’s about wearing comfy clothing and sipping a nice hot toddy.”
—Stacy Peck, drummer for Pony Time
Photo by Sarah Creighton at Phosphene Studios
“The Pacific Northwest is like band camp with booze and dirty hookups every single day… in other words, just like regular band camp but with much more territory to cover and many more individuals to molest. If you wanna really YOLO, crawl into a tent filled with people who have not only fucked both genders but have been both genders and see how many pegs end up in a square hole.”
—Bree McKenna, bassist for Tacocat
Photo by Megan Holmes
“This is how we do spring break in Portland! Traveling to somewhere warm to be surrounded by drunk, obnoxious idiots with bad taste and even worse ideas is my idea of HELL. I don’t need to go anywhere! I’ll stay stylishly bundled up right here in the Land of Plenty of Weed, getting drunk on cheap beer, and Master Cleanse-aritas (my own invention of organic lemonade, organic maple syrup, organic cayenne, and free-range tequila) on the overcast shores of industrial north Portland beaches, surrounded by trees, dogs, hobos, and friends who are slightly less depressed than they were last month when it was even darker out!”
—Kathy “I actually wrote this” Foster, bassist for the Thermals
Photo by Megan Holmes
“Have you ever been at a beach party before and thought, I hate this. Why did I leave the house? Well, there’s a quick fix for that: Go back inside! Anything and everything you need in life is at home, and you can pick exactly who’s gonna be in your home at the time of your choosing thanks to inventions like the door and the lock. If you hurry now, you’ll be back in time to catch the end of The Long Island Medium before your friends come over for the popsicle blowjob slash table tennis competition. Moral of the story: NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE!”
—Zac Pennington, vocalist for Parenthetical Girls
*Aside from the Thermals, all quotes above are fictitious because for some reason bands in the Pacific Northwest really love it up there. God bless 'em, but it's the last place on Earth I'd want to spend spring break if I were a degenerate in college. Thanks for being good sports, guys!
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