Games

Games Reviews - The Party Issue

By Syrup Davies



Smashed
Genre: Fun racer
Platform: PS2, X-Box, PC
Developer: Supersonic

I don't understand games that strive to reflect the total fucking banality and pointlessness of real life.

The new Gran Turismo game is so gay and boring that on the first level you get to drive your mother's car at 40mph while sticking to a blue line for two minutes. If you stick at boring tasks like this for 15 days straight you get upgraded to a car that only a boyband member would ever consider driving. Like one of the guys out of Blue or something. Something sporty like a Porsche or Ferrari. I don't know anything about cars. I think they're over-priced and the myth about them being pussy magnets is total bullshit. I don't own a car and I'm short and ugly yet I have the finest stable of whores out of all my friends. Just get them laughing and make them think that you're better than you are and the juices will run down their legs. Sorry girls. But this is a video game review and there are probably no girls reading this because video games—especially stinky ones like Gran Turismo – are made exclusively for Lynx-smelling, spotty, fucking human slug boys who read Ice and Loaded and don't respect their mothers. I'd like to wake them all up one morning with a screwdriver in their fucking ear. Anyway, the point is this game's all about cars but it's really good party fun because you get to smash people up and have gladiatorial fights and fuck around more. It's got this Micro-Machines feel to it but that's okay because I liked that as well. Actually, girls might even like this game. Not as much as Tetris, but they still might like it.

SYRUP DAVIES

By Syrup Davies 7 years ago More from this issue

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