Dir: B. Pumper
Fuck. Google this DVD and look at the back cover. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BACK COVER! It made me want to vomit into my laptop. Dead center there is a photo of what my friends affectionately refer to as a “pink sock.” It’s basically when a girl’s asshole is an outty instead of an inny. It’s vile. There are nine other smaller pink socks and gaping holes peppered around the main image. I do not judge what turns people on. If high heels popping balloons does it for you, super. I don’t care. I have my own problems to worry about. I don’t concern myself with what others do. But this shit? I fail to understand what anyone could find sexy about a girl’s ass hanging out. I mean, it makes me laugh; I’m entertained by stupid human tricks. But I don’t think I could milk out some happy juice to a prolapsed rectum. That’s just me. Maybe it’s your thing. If it’s not, you still need to buy this DVD just to hear the theme song. The disc starts out with black porn actor/director/producer/rapper Brian Pumper rapping a theme song in a weird Russian accent that goes like this, “I’m the Gapeman, I come to cause mass ass destruction and create big hole/Call me the Gapeman/Call me the Gapeman/When she’s done with me she won’t be able to shit, fam/I destroy the rectum and make the hole so big, man [Here he uses his hands to make a big circle to indicate just how large a hole he’ll be creating]/I want to make a hole/I want to see the pink meat/I want to make hole like three feet deep/Call me the Gapeman/I don’t play, man/Bring anal destruction, the ass I break, man/You know the case, man/Switch up the pace, man/Do it quicker, pound harder/Nut on the face, man/She straight get fucked/Niggas don’t want pussy, straight to the butt/She nasty, she a slut/She a real slut/I’m happy I see inside, make me wanna nut/I want to stretch muscles/I want to make it right/I want to spread it open, I want to see inside. [Refrain] Call me the Gapeman/Call me the Gapeman/When she’s done with me she won’t be able to shit, fam.”
I cannot believe I just transcribed that. As great as it looks on paper, it is millions of times better in real time. I hope Mr. Pumper decides to offer the track as a downloadable MP3. I would love to walk my dog to the Gapeman theme song. I am torn about whether the repeated “rhyming” of “man” with “man” is my favorite part or whether it’s when he says, “She a slut/She a real slut.” I like that he feels he needs to repeat himself for clarification. As if all the cuts to these women and their cavernous buttholes did not do the job, he felt he had to make us aware that, “No, you do not understand the extent of the sluttiness of these women. Yes, I told you she was a slut but you need to understand and lament on the fact that she is a REAL slut.” I was surprised to learn, “Niggas don’t want pussy, straight to the butt.” I did not know that. I also like that Señor Pumper looks like one of the guys in G-Unit. I was never a fan of G-Unit but now that I haven’t seen them in a while, I sort of miss them. I’m sure it’s fleeting but at this very moment in my life, at 1:30 PM on a Friday, I would like to hear someone make that stupid G-G-G-G-UUUUNIT sound. Maybe I’ll just do it myself… Ooh. That was kind of fun.
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.