I’ve long felt a strong affinity with fat Elvis Presley; both of us being outrageously talented trailblazers, but each plagued by uncontrollable comfort eating and a preoccupation with pooping. What I like most about my soulmate is that, unlike many who become rich and famous, Elvis’s millions didn’t turn him into a macrobiotic-chomping Nazi. Instead, he regressed back to his Mama’s Deep-South cooking, munching away contentedly on deep-fried squirrel in the surrogate womb that was Graceland.
The Presley Platter
Famously, Presley was hospitalized for severe colon blockage, not once, but twice IN THE SAME YEAR. He was also on daily medication because it was the only way to keep his butthole dilated enough for him to defecate out of it. So for the love of Christ, if you’re going to actually eat any of this, please follow it with a laxative chaser and don’t blame me if you have an embolism trying to curl one out. (If you do, maybe leave a note telling your family/lawyer to look on the bright side. Hey, c'mon, it'll be you and The King! Shitting yourselves to death in Heaven.)
Part One: Fool's Gold Loaf
It’s often wrongly reported that The King died sat on the porcelain throne, clutching a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. But real Presley fans know that he totally couldn’t have been holding anything because of all the wretching and struggling to get off the floor and out of the pile of his own vomit he threw up shortly before he died. But there was a sandwich of sorts involved… the Fool's Gold Loaf, to be exact—Presley’s last supper.
- Italian bread
- grape jam, sorry ‘jelly’
- peanut butter
Smother all of the bread in butter and put in a warm oven to brown. The original recipe calls for an entire loaf hollowed out, but I pussied out and only used a panini, because I don’t fancy dying in my sleep any time soon.
Meanwhile fry some bacon—the streaky kind, not back bacon (obvs).
Bread now saturated with melted fat, cut in half and slop in the peanut butter and jam, then y’know, throw in the bacon and make a sandwich, idiot.
One of Presley’s fave main courses (or probably midnight snacks, who knows) was another Deep-South triumph—meatloaf.
½ lb x mince beef
1 x small onion
couple x sticks of celery
1 x big squirt of tomato puree
1 x mug of breadcrumbs
2 x eggs
1 x tspn of garlic salt
1 x tspn of black pepper
Fry off anything that isn’t flesh in a butter-laden pan.
Dump alla this into a bowl with your beef, breadcrumbs, seasoning, and puree.
Smush in your eggs to bind, and make sure you're smushing real quick.
Pack all your mix into a well-lubed tin tray, smear some more tomato on top, and bake at 350f for an hour.
Once it's cooked, bash it TFO of the tin and smother it all with a tangy, fruity glaze (more ketchup).
Black Velvet Float
IDK why I always thought the song "Black Velvet" was about Black Beauty, but apparently it was in fact an ode to Presley, and the line: “In a flash he was gone, it happened so soon, what could you do?” was about his untimely death, not having to take a shotgun to a racehorse 'round the back of the stables. ANYWAY, seeing as Elvis pretty much only drank straight molasses and liquid amphetamines, the classic Black Velvet cocktail seems like a more palatable way of finishing off your platter.
- Guinness or any dark stout
- champagne if you'z fancy, Lambrini if you’re poor
- ice-cream! (optional)
Half fill your glass with the black stuff.
Top up with “champagne.” If you want a fancy, two-tone effect, pour it slowly over the back of your smack spoon (TOP TIP!!!!).
Now totally ruin said two-tone effect by dumping on a dollop of ice-cream.
And there you have it, a meal fit for a KING that’ll put you on a one-way journey to HeartBURN Hotel… amirite? Guys? Is this thing on?
Previously: Girl Eats Food - Lingerie Longanisa
Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.