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Girls and Boyfriends

By Kate Carraway

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I am dubious about those lists of guys you “should” date before you “get married” or what have you. Not only are they archaic and boring and prescriptive, but they usually have all of these vile options on them like “Nice Guy” and “Bad Boy,” as if either of those exist as subgenres. (“Nice Guys” are the ones who pull out their leather paddles without asking; “Bad Boys” cry into your pussy when they’re supposed to be eating it.) Like, no. Also, since I have tended to date a hilarious variety of mens and my friends tend to date multiple versions of the same guy, who is their “type,” I feel like we need to re-educate on this subject. Oh, this will also double as a list of my boyfriends, because I’m sick with a lazy cold and am wrapped up in a duvet in front of the fireplace at my parents' house with a hot cup of coffee and I’m feeling very “Memories.”

MUSICIAN

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! Ha, ha.

Dating a musician is trouble. They’re hysterically selfish and genuinely narcissistic and volatile and are primarily concerned with giving their beautifully wrought crowns of emotional jewels to the girls who stand at the front at shows worshiping them and the outline of their penis while you make use of the drink tickets at the very back of the bar, miserable… all of which will still give you a super-soaker when you’re still a baby retard. This is all probably also true of artists, fiction writers, and (the worst!) actors, but I can’t even with them. At least a musician has good records.

CLUB PROMOTER

Nope.

ACADEMIC

I put down “academic!” a week ago and now I’ve forgotten why? They work 80 hours a week at something that is more important than you and then still can’t spring for dinner. Cool, dudes. Still, the brain is the sexiest organ and all of that, and I can’t pretend that sleeping with someone who is a “doctor” of whatever isn’t one of the six times in 30 years that I’ve ever felt really adult (pro) and the only instance when I’ve been with a dude because he has something that I lost somewhere along the way (“intelligence”) (con). PLUS: their layered dishabille, the light bedhead, and those glasses and hand-me-down plaid and stuff, is the authentic version of what everyone else wants to look like. Dreamy! OK: That’s why I put it down.

JOCK

Dating a jock is essentially voyeurism. Jocks are what normal girls date, like, all the time. Crucially, I mean a jock-jock, not a guy who likes bands but also plays soccer. I mean a guy who calls himself a jock, who is quick to align himself with jock culture, who cares about sports.

You’re their fetish, too. Your alt-hosiery, your vocabulary, your most basic moves—like, buying him a little present, or making a joke—will shock and awe a jock boyfriend, because the girls that jocks date do not buy their boyfriends presents, except for things that aren’t so much presents as upgrades (watches; pants).

Jocks can and will do all the hardcore sex stuff that basically everyone else on this list has emotional and political problems with. They are remarkably simple and direct and, TWIST, extremely loving. A guy who grew up slapping asses and doing hugs in locker rooms with men is going to be able to cuddle his girlfriend after he fucks her weird.

Boring, though.

SUPER-MELLOW I-COOK-FOR-MY-COMMUNE-ON-MONDAYS MOTHER GAIA LOVE GUY

Selfish.

A SKATER

I loved dating a skater because a) his fat, pristine white shoes looked so dope sitting by the door beside all of the points and straps and complications of my shoes, b) watching skate videos is a legit all-day activity for both of you, c) best taste in obscure movies, generally and d) watching them skate is infinitely better than watching every other guy pretend to skate on his PlayStation. (Seriously: “PlayStation”.) Definitely the least-demanding relationship you’ll encounter is with a guy and his board. Good for transition stages.

A GIRL

My first real relationship was with a girl, and I’m good with that, because every guy since her has been vanilla cake in comparison. She is now an airline stewardess. (Picture me breathing on my Raybans, wiping them off with my shirt, putting them on real slow-like, and walking away. Stud.)

THUG

Sorry, received wisdom and my mom and Hollywood movies, but the sweetest, most girlfriendiest guys are also the most questionable thug guys. Nobody buys as many flowers.

NERD

No BFD, just, if you want to date the only guys totally worth dating you have to get with a nerd. Here’s why: They don’t have the precarious though bouncy-castle-sized inflated egos of cooler dudes; they can talk to you and talk to you and talk to you, which feels as good as a hot bath of liquid gold; they are smart enough not to say or do the stuff that’s so astoundingly dumb that you go back to girls here and there; they tend to be really fucking sharp and sexy and funny and have jobs. Just, put this at the top of the list and cross everything else out, oui?

AN OLD GUY

The only good reason for dating an old guy is if he’s your teacher (hot) or if he’s married (hot, but only for a limited time). How is it that the older I get, the grosser old guys are?

STALKER

Definitely date someone who is obsessed with you. It’s not a sustainable relationship but man oh man will he buy you stuff, and drive you places, cry when you hurt his feelings, and generally (this is going to be corny/true/get ready) make you feel like a pretty princess, except one who is just really chill and suddenly has a lot more self-esteem and time to do her work and get dressed properly. Maybe he’ll creepily follow you to your guy friend’s house and park outside and watch for hours and hours? But maybe he’ll be kind of the best boyfriend ever, even if you can’t say that out loud to anyone?

FOREIGNER

Not just for sex! The relationship between you and a guy who is just visiting is the platonic ideal of relationships for girls who are crazy, because there is a built-in beginning, middle, and end. None of this “What are we? Where is this going? Who am I to you?” because they’re taking off juuuust after you start to figure out that you don’t really like their personality. But, c’mon, getting wrapped up in some tourist’s accent and curious bathroom habits and sock styles for just a week or so is what dating is supposed to be, but all squashed together.

FRIEND

Obviously, making a guy that you like and respect and know in a regular friend way your boyfriend is the obvious move. The ish with this, supposedly, is that it’s hard to “see” them sexually. The actual ish with this, according to me, is that they’ve seen you in your various bad tempers and bad outfits and saying bad things and it’s more difficult to think of them kissing you than it is to think of you kissing them.

A SLUT

Like, fumigate that dick first, honeymuffin, but dating a really “experienced” guy can be super-rewarding for two weeks before you release him back into the wild. Do I have to lay it out for you? I do? OK, well, keep an ice pack ready because you won’t be able to sit down at dinner with your mom and dad after getting the largest and most experienced dink inside of you for five hours on a Saturday afternoon.

REALLY RICH GUY

This is relative. Now, dating a rich guy means car service and hotel rooms you’ll want to take pictures of (don’t) and probably them being not worth it, so much. But, when I was a student I went out with a guy who had a job not unlike Ben Stiller’s in Reality Bites (topical!) and drove a Mustang and was super cute and still young. I took him somewhere in my shitty, studenty scene-circumference and a roach toddled across the wall beside our table and the slow-motion look of “WTF” on his boyface was when I realized that it wasn’t ALL just about me being fun and demanding and guys thinking that was great, that sometimes I was going to have to try.

KATE CARRAWAY

Follow Kate on Twitter @KateCarraway

Previously - What Girls Need

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