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Girl Reporter's Porn Report

By Sasha Hecht

Okay, so here's the thing. In the past week or so, I've gone from VICE's youngest employee/semi-respected (or possibly delusional) Associate Editor of Noisey, to resident office sexual deviant. The transition began suddenly when, the day before July 4th (that would be July 3rd, if my calculations are accurate), I suggested that VICE's editorial staff watch the new Octomom porn in our screening room, because nothing says "I proudly uphold the bravery and conviction upon which this great nation was built" like drinking in the office and watching 30 minutes of a Big Mouth Billy Bass in a wig prop itself up against a reluctant vibrator and mimic the sounds a fresh corpse makes as it voids its bowels. Following lengthy negotiations ("You should write about porn." "I would totally write about porn."), I was assigned this column about people who make sex on camera. And here we are.

(Hi, Mom and Dad. Work is going well. I really feel like I'm contributing, and I'm also learning a lot. Yeah, dinner next week is fine.)

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Hot Redhead - Creampie Eating

This clip begins with Girl A riding Guy, with Girl B tepidly touching herself nearby. Everyone looks and sounds pretty sedated (opiates will do that, but hey, you do you) until Guy climaxes inside the Girl A. At one point, someone says "Nice creampie" with the same enthusiasm and sincerity one might say "Hey Dave, nice job getting those expense reports in on time." Whatever.

Now, I'm going to describe what happens next as delicately and dutifully as possible: Girl A squats over Girl B's face, grunts, and out from her body crawls what could only be described by medical professionals as a "chunky-spunk semen demon." Girl A has enough yeast dripping out of her body at this point that if Girl B were to say "No thanks, I'm watching my carb intake," you would think, "Oh, that's totally fair. Ugh, I wish I had her willpower." But no, Girl B proceeds to slurp up this noxious concoction like there's a kiss from a trampy-yet-charming pup waiting on the other end.

The only positive side to watching this video is that I can now use the experience of viewing it as a measure of reference. For example: "I would rather watch some methadone addict lazily suck discharge and cum out of a skinny ginger girl's vagina than see another picture of your fucking ugly baby on Facebook." See how that works? Feel free to borrow it.

Verdict: Everyone in this video needs therapy and a great gynecologist, including the guy. Also, I should have known better than to be eating hummus and tahini.

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500-Person Sex Convention

You know when you get to your bikram yoga class just a few minutes too late and the only spot left is behind the middle-aged Serbian silverback determined to use every downward-facing dog as an opportunity to wink at you with his butthole? That experience pales in comparison to what it must be like to have sex surrounded by (and choreographed with) 498 sexually depraved strangers.

I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting to see when I opened up an email with the subject "For your column, 500 people in a gymnasium," but what I got was exactly what was on the label: 500 people fucking in a brightly-lit, acoustically-reverberant gymnasium, probably not more than 10 minutes after the local JV basketball team hit the showers. What's the appeal here, exactly? It's too interactive to be voyeuristic, but too regimented to tap into the "whatevs, maaaan..." appeal of group sex. To me, this just looks like 250 couples who wanted to "try something new" and flipped to the wrong section of their Time Out Japan. Next time, they might want to stick with murder mystery dinner theater or a Breaking Bad viewing party/wine tasting.

Verdict: The next time you get stuck behind Gustav, just be thankful that his groans aren't the heartbreaking squelchings of some dude vigorously fingerbanging a poor girl who doesn't know how to fake an orgasm, and that the only bodily fluid that ends up on your face is sweat.

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Mature Woman Seduces Shy Young Girl

This clip was sent in by the guy who runs UNNNHHH, a not-quite-porn Tumblr that's refreshingly female-friendly/body-positive (this is me genuinely endorsing his blog). It features porn stars Annabelle Lee and Nina Hartley, "the Queen Mother of Porn," and cycles through the tired "MILF teaches innocent girl that she doesn't need boys" lesbian porn trope before getting to the nitty-gritty. I'll let our anonymous submitter take it from here:

"What should be a super-cheesy scene is actually one of the most subversive and interesting and amazing scenes ever...So much fake lesbian porn features bored girls with pink strap-ons sort of winging it as they think about what to do with the money, but Nina wields her [strap-on] like a dude. Like a dude who's really good. She out-dudes dudes. Nina conquers this chick like a gender chameleon. I guess it's just hard to believe that such cool and interesting dynamics could happen under such stereotypical circumstances. This is the only video where the kissing excites me."

After watching this video, I'm thinking maybe there wouldn't be so many women who claim they've never had an orgasm if they just broadened their horizons to include Madonna knock-offs who speak to their sexual partners like they're toddlers home sick from preschool. BUT HEY, I'M JUST SPIT-BALLING IDEAS OVER HERE.

Verdict: The girl in this video came (for real) more times than any of the girls in any of the other videos sent to me combined (I counted). This is a purely empirical observation, and I'll leave you with that.

What makes you hot? What makes you cringe? What have you made yourself? Send me your filth!

Sasha.Hecht@vice.com

VICE Magazine
C/O Sasha Hecht
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Brooklyn, NY 11211

@sashahecht

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