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      Girlsplaining

      October 26, 2012
      From the column 'Girl News'

      So, I read all of the questions you sent through Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, and email for this special “Girlsplaining” (a.k.a. Q&A) edition of Girl News, deleted the redundant or annoying questions (and the overlong, nonsense questions, like, are you making fun of me?), saved half for later, and here are the rest… Girlsplained!

      Is ATM ever OK?
      No. A) Because that is gross and anti-erotic, and I want to know who decided that the grotesqueries of the human-body experience and the two-or-more-human-bodies experience had to be inclusive of its very worst possibilities. And while there is a lot of weird, off-limits stuff that is hotter than 20 suns, poo is not. Poo is just “worse.” I understand and relate to the need, even compulsion, to press up against social limits and even exploit the more sickitating possibilities of mucous membranes, and I think GG Allin is understudied by current twentyishes, but, no, it’s gross and also… B) If you can get a killer virus from mouse poops think about what you can get from human stuff? Not willing to internet this for you; probably don’t even do that yourself.  And lastly C) whoever is sexing you should have to put at least as much effort into it as they put into their band that has never played a gig and going to the sink for a little soapy-steamy should not be a problem for them and if it is do you think he’s going to be nice when your real darkness descends? No.

      There seems to be a cross-section of girls who insist that they’ve only been friends with dudes their whole lives and have no girl friends. Do they just love the attention of having a bunch of dudes around them or are they awful to other chicks and thus chicks refuse to hang out with them? Cause I think it's B with a dash of A… but I am on the fence. It's like 5 percent of girls at least.
      A 5 percent cross-section of girls doesn’t really make sense, but, who Cary Yagos-es? It is Friday, you guys, and right now I am in a booth at a restaurant drinking a Diet Coke and even though it is half full they just brought me another one!?!?!? This is like when I used to go to parties for work and the champagne was never not full, but better.

      Anywaysenyogenfruzen, there is far too much involved in this scenario to determine why any girl says this thing. Sometimes it’s just true and normal and fine. Why should girls necessarily hang with other girls if they don’t feel like it/don’t relate to the girls they know and meet/get more out of hanging with dudes? Sometimes girls say this to position themselves as being way down with dudes, which might feel proximal to “cool,” and/or to distance themselves from what they don’t like about what is assumed to be true about girls, or what they personally know to be true about girls. It’s not like any degree of evolved or intelligent, but it’s not reeeeeally doing girls dirty to acknowledge, even implicitly, that there’s a lot wrong with girl-packs, or just their public image, like, being jags to each other. Sometimes girls just don’t have access to girl friends that are as good as their guy friends, and sometimes that is because it is socially and culturally a fuck lot harder to be a confident, fun, chill girl than dude, especially if you are without the Candyland-like superstructure of a real city, or if you are still in junior high, or whatever else. Sometimes, yeah, a woman is just an asshole piece of shit and nobody who doesn’t have a sexual or codependent investment in them will hang. (“Codependent Investment,” ha! I’m great.) It doesn’t matter though because manjudging girls for only having dude friends is WAY more anti-girl than girls who haven’t found their posse yet.

      Apparently, it's worse to make out with me if I have rough stubble than if I have a full beard, which I think is kinda odd because the full beard seems like it'd be way more annoying. It's been reported to me that after a steamy sesh the stubble can fuck up a girl’s skin. Is this across the board? Does the world know about this problem? I love to make out and I love to have facial hair. It's a fucking conundrum.
      Is it? Are you dumb, just a little bit? Think it through: “rough stubble” is like a trillion toothpick points sewn into a face-blanket, grazing and regrazing and pressing into the most sensitive girl-skin (consider the face and décolletage and breasts and thigh skin to be the Area 51 of your girl’s body, like, what should be treated with mystic reverence and various check-points). A beard is soft, which you should know. (Sidebar: do guys realize that pensively, distractedly stroking their own beards is a fucking barf to watch? Is there an equiv gross hair thing that girls do that we don’t know about?) Whether or not a girl likes the feeling of stubble is up to the girl and her particular skin, but yeah, having a diffuse next-day body rash is not among the sexy post-sex residuals like sore leg muscles or w/e. Like anything else that varies from girl to girl to girl a.k.a. everything you should communicate and be like “Oh hey how do you feel about this biz” and they’ll maybe even tell you!

      Do girls have way more sexual freedoms than guys? At the bar I blacked out and shoved my hands down a friend’s pants and kissed her, and we made out hammered, and then in the morning we lolled and gossiped about guys.
      Yes. Also, that’s cute! I have no sense of how to integrate a sexual relationship into a friend relationship, minus screaming, so, congratulations.

      I don't get OKCupid and internet dating and I'm not curious enough to figure it out on my own.
      Pass.

      I wanna know about staying friends with your ex, and why people don't want to try harder at it. Is this more a girl thing, to want to stay friends?
      It’s not a “girl thing,” and that particular terminology is so corny I can’t deal, like, I will be interpretive dancing later about the eternal soul-pain of this phrasing; it’s a “whoever is more vulnerable, emotional, expansive in their ability to negotiate feelings and hurricane-weather-esque emotional fluctuations (topical!)” thing. Being friends with someone you were in love with is probably the hardest and most worth-it friendship to cultivate, but can you EEEEEEVER not fuck them or use them like a feelings-dildo, ever? That is the hard part.

      How much should one weigh the quality/content of a girl's social media stuff when evaluating her dateableness?
      Are you for real? Not at all. Maybe boysplain to me why soooOOOOoooooOOOO (that’s the Halloween way to say “so”) many guys think it should factor? Like, guh. Some people are obligated to maintain a heavy-tokes social media presence for their job (I’M JUST SAYING) and some people are in their Boringazoic era and overuse Facebook because they just need to hold hands a couple times over nine empty workday hours and other people don’t care, don’t like it, don’t understand it, and avoid or use social media in those bizarre little pops, like suddenly they’re all about the energy crisis, and then silent for months? Weiwd, and yet. None of it is representative of who a woman is, who they are as a secret-agent-lover-girl, what they think or know or how they talk or feel or whatever and interpreting it as anything close to real is your fucking fault and not the internet’s.

      What did you mean by “my English/Irish/Pepsi hair”? What is “Pepsi”?
      A “Pepsi” is a French-Canadian. Similarly, “Montreal” is pronounced “Mun-tree-all,” not “MON-t-ree-al,” you grossies.

      What's the best female interracial BFF friendship?
      If I say “WASP + Indian” will my BFF give me more of that special eyeliner? Anyway, by “interracial” I think you mean “I’m retarded.”

      Do women look at bisexual men the way men (appear) to look at bisexual women?
      Half yes, half no. Yes, in the sense that bisexuality is to straight people an exotic and short-term-appealing sexual condition like pussy tattoos, but no in the sense that most girls will probably (SORRY) recast him as gay like right away anyway, even though if they were cleverer they would really assess the incredibly potent triad possibilities and shut the fuck upppp.

      Can you girlsplain Pinterest?
      Nope, no idea.

      Previously - Girls and Secrets

      Follow Kate on Twitter @KateCarraway

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      Topics: girlnews, kate carraway, girlsplaining, girls, plaining

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