God Comments on the Westboro Baptist Church Protest Signs
Portrait by Bobby Doherty
have been called an atheist. I don’t describe myself as such, but now I have proof that I’m not—I spoke to God! He granted me an interview via his publicist, Chip Labow of Labow & Sons PR. I arranged an audience with the deity and got a photo of him. He even signed my cast. Why didn’t I give him something more permanent to autograph?! Oops! In case you’re wondering, his signature wasn’t all that great—a big G followed by squiggly lines and a small dot for a flourish. It’s a mess. Oh, I should say, the interview had some strict limitations. I was only allowed to speak with “His Majesty” for 15 minutes, and I couldn’t tape it so I had to take written notes. He required that we meet at a place of his choosing: a hill called Cumorah in Rochester, New York (I asked him why, and you can see his answer below). I had to bring three chilled bottles of Yoo-hoo and antibacterial hand wipes. Whatever, it was all worth it. I wanted to ask him about the Westboro Baptist Church, particularly their incendiary protest signs. He answered all of my questions... well, sort of.
Vice: OK, let’s get right to it. The first sign I want to ask you about says GOD HATES FAGS. What do you think about that?
God: It’s colorful. Easy to read. It’s probably a bit too large to hold up straight, especially if it was windy—
Yeah, but what about what’s written on it? Do you hate “fags”? Does it say that you “hate” gay people in the Bible?
I haven’t read that book in a while, so I don’t know what it says verbatim. They have included a reference number on the sign, so I don’t want to contradict them at this point. I’d have to do some research and get back to you.
What about this other one that says FAG FAMILY VALUES?
[chuckles, then coughs] Sorry, I have a tickle in my throat. Uh, I don’t even know what that sign means. They have drawn two stick figures butt-fucking, but there’s no penis, so I guess the one guy isn’t very turned-on... it’s confusing.
You don’t think it’s trying to say that all gay people care about is anal sex, and they don’t have well-balanced lives?
I think you are reading into it. I can’t comment, because I don’t fully understand it. I have many followers and, uh, I, uh... appreciate all of them, and all the ways they worship me. Next question.
This one has to make you mad, though. Should people really be praying for more dead soldiers?
Pray for their souls—that they are pure and accepted into heaven to worship me, maybe? Again, this sign is unclear. Look, it’s not my job to tell my followers what to think. My job, here in heaven, is to listen to the people, and that’s it.
But isn’t that a bit fast and loose? After all, you are the leader of the church. You’re not willing to stand up to statements that are obviously meant to be hurtful?
I just outlined my relationship with my followers, as I understand it. I believe homosexuals are doing what they feel is natural and following me with their best intentions. I believe these Westerbury [sic] people are expressing their understanding of, uh, my, uh, admittedly complicated, uh, directives. I have many followers and I take them all at their word.
But doesn’t this kind of ignorance concern you? They’re putting such ugly thoughts in your mouth.
I contain multitudes. Listen, the Westerbury yokels—and I say this with love because I NEED yokels—they have a right to think what they want. That’s free will, and it’s not my job to tell them they’re wrong. There’s a lot of information out there, and people read a lot of things into the Bible, but I—
You don’t think you should stand up to people who might be misreading it, or…
I’ve made clear what I believe the facts to be. I’m just trying to do my job, which is to focus on spending cuts.
[laughs] What? Spending cuts?
I’m trying to get the deficit down in heaven. No one needs wing wax, certainly not archangels who just sit on thrones and don’t even fly very much. I have a lot on my plate.
Sure, of course, but can I ask about one more sign? The one that says FAGS EAT POOP.
Is that a joke? I suppose that has happened. But a lot of people eat poop. The way food is processed, handled, served... if anyone in the chain of delivery doesn’t wash their hands thoroughly after a bowel movement, well... everybody’s eaten poop. I don’t hold that against anyone. It’s a fact of life. Certainly, no one should ever feel bad about it.
One more question, please: Why are we meeting here on this hill in Rochester? Is it because this is where Joseph Smith received the original golden tablets from the archangel Moroni?
So I DID leave them here! I knew it! Damn! Where are they now?
I don’t know. They must have disappeared.
Yeah, somebody probably melted them down and turned ’em into gold teeth for a rapper. Shoot! My bad. What a boob! Me, I mean. I’m the boob. [chuckles]
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