Gross Jar

The saga of the second Gross Jar continued this month with the addition of a load of semen.

A Vice staffer, asking to remain anonymous, took one for the team by retrieving the Gross Jar from the windowsill out back, taking it to the bathroom, and unscrewing the lid (which released an odor so bad that it could be smelled across the office—literally 20 feet away through a closed door and a wall). He then kneeled over the mass of fermented chicken, blood, eggs, milk, and spit…and jerked off into it.

"It was really hard," he said afterward. "I was breathing only though my mouth and even then, it was like I could taste the stench. I swear to god the air was thicker directly over the Jar."

It was a fairly big load, too. "I didn't come for a day and a half because I knew this was going down. I didn't want it to look like somebody dropped a tiny bit of hand soap in there."

At first, the cum sat on top of the Jar's existing contents, kind of like icing on a cake. After two hours, it slowly began to seep through the top layer of flesh and milky liquid. It looked like egg drop soup from a shitty Chinese restaurant.

We gave it one week, and the cum was completely absorbed into the quivering mass. It's like there was never jiz in there at all. It's almost like the guy never even had a dick.

The scientific deduction that we can make at this stage is that semen breaks down to its base components much quicker than blood, which remained at least sort of pink for three weeks. Therefore, blood is not only thicker than water—it also more tenacious than cum—which should come as a surprise to all males, who deal with cleaning up this crap almost daily.

We've been receiving an average of ten letters a day suggesting new ingredients for the Gross Jar. The list runs the gamut from a dead mouse to lime Jell-o. The most overwhelming request, of course, has been for a human turd. And that's just what you can expect next month.

VICE STAFF